||[Aug. 29th, 2005|10:20 pm]
Movies Without Mercy
Oh, come on. You knew this was inevitable. Take it away, bald_stoic and thainoodles!
We haven’t even started the movie yet and already menu to the DVD is gay. Kudos to Paramount who will now tell us they are Paramount several times. Tom Cruise is in the movie. We know this. We rented it. White text comes up on the screen informing us on the Navy’s elite flying school, which the flyers call “Top Gun”. Men walk melodramatically. Val Kilmer’s name comes up. Women are curiously lacking in the credits. Music score is by Harold Faltermeyer. We find this incredibly amusing. More planes, more men.
thainoodles: I never noticed how phallic a plane could be…
This music is supposed to sound stirring and patriotic and masculine. It actually sounds kinda Gay. And we find out that this movie was produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. It all makes sense now. “Batman Forever” is anticipated in the flames of death emanating from one of the planes. Bad 80s music sounds, gay men run to and fro. It’s supposed to be dramatic. It’s not. But there’s a lot of haze, which has to count for something. More planes, more men, more haze, yada yada.
Cut to a close-quatered, dark Naval vessel. Already there is gratuitous man patting. Random Naval officer greets “Balls”. We are told Cougar, Merlin, Maverick, and Goose are in the air. Technical nonsense follows. Planes flying awe-inspiring above the clouds. First action sequence commences. Planes swoop and soar. The music is supposed to create tension. Mostly it reminds us of Atari. Tom Cruise, or “Maverick” shows off his awesome flying skills and pretty-boy cockiness. The men in the planes talk comfortingly to one another, as random SOB pursues them. Maverick flies plane on top of enemy plane and flips him the bird and takes a picture. Other guy apparently decides to go home. We are then treated to a shot of an extremely phallic plane. Cougar is either freaking out or having an orgasm. Or possibly both. Running low on gas, the pilots decide to get out of there. Maverick says that Cougar is in trouble, and goes after him. Many close-ups of Cougar’s eyes. Maverick talks to him in soothing tones. The plane lands.
Cut to Cougar in random office. He is apparently a dedicated family man. He then quits, unable to take the pressure. Of Tom Cruise perhaps? Bald higher-ranking officer yells at Maverick, then tells him that Maverick and Goose are going to Top Gun. Called back as they leave, they Gayly turn together.
bald_stoic and thainoodles: Oh. My. God.
Apparently their CO notices it too, judging by the rather odd expression on his face. Well, he did call them, “characters”.
thainoodles has never experienced such Gay motorcycle riding as displayed by Tom Cruise.
Cut to Val Kilmer, playing with a pen.
thainoodles: My, he handles his, um, pen with ease.
Fighter Pilot 1: This gives me a hard-on.
Fighter Pilot 2: Don’t tease me.
bald_stoic and thainoodles: Um. Wow.
Random officer finishes his lecture. Another random officer takes over, explaining the rules of Top Gun, yada, yada. We are more interested in the look that Val Kilmer is shooting Tom Cruise, who has just turned around to look at him. Val continues to twirl his pen while maintaining eye contact. More interesting looks. Val smiles.
thainoodles: I think I gave that look to the guy at the grocery store today…
Goose wants to know what Maverick is playing at. bald_stoic and thainoodles believe that he is jealous. Fighter Pilot 2 has since put his arm on the back of Fighter Pilot 1’s chair. Goose grabs Maverick shoulder and laughs like a girl. We don’t know what at, because the homoeroticism was so distracting.
Cut to a bar where the fighter pilots, dressed in formal whites, announce their intent to hit on women. However, they seem mainly to be talking amongst themselves.
thainoodles: Don’t ask, don’t tell, eh?
Val, or “Iceman” proceeds to hit on Maverick.
Iceman: Do you need any help?
Mav: With what?
Ice: You figured it out yet?
bald_stoic and thainoodles: We have!
Ice is leaning into Mav. We stare in awe. Prolonged eye contact between Ice an Mav.
Ice: I’ll see you later.
Mav: Count on it.
Mav grips Goose’s shoulders while the two talk about picking up women. Apparently it is a contest for them. Mav sings. Badly. Naval officers cling to each other and sing. Mav talks to a “Charlotte Blackwood”. She disses him and sits down with a much older man. Mav follows Charlotte into the ladies room, hits on her more. He’s not terribly good at it.
Cut to Top Gun class. It turns out that the Charlotte of the previous night is Charlie, a civilian instructor. She is tough, yet feminine in bad 80s clothing. Mav attempts to impress her, comes off as brash. Charlie seems to be going for it a bit, though.
Cut to Mav and Goose walking down a hallway. Charlie approaches.
Goose: You look great, honey.
Mav: Thanks, dear.
We don’t care that this is sarcastic. It was said. Mav and Charlie then tersely converse and part. Ice, apparently having been stalking Mav, pops out of nowhere and kind of insults him.
Cut to a training sequence. More swooping planes and men talking in breathless tones. We don’t really care. Mav pulls off impressive aerial stunts. He’s obviously very good with a joystick. Gleefully, Mav returns, pissing off a superior officer with his close fly-by.
Cut to locker room scene. Ice and Mav get all up in each other’s face. Ice pulls off provocative biting motion and then smiles. Gratuitous man-patting ensues.
Cut to COs office, where Mav and Goose are reporting. They are told-off for their wild behavior, or rather Mav’s.
Cut to Mav’s room, which Goose enters to romantic music. Goose is apparently the only family Mav has. Goose leaves. Mav looks contemplative.
Cut to Charlie and Mav. Mav pulls sleazy pick-up stuff on Charlie. Charlie apparently falls for it.
Cut to the famous volleyball scene. You really need to see it to appreciate it. Let’s just say: many shirtless, well-oiled men playing volleyball, and throwing their arms around each other’s shoulders.
thainoodles: This is actually kind of hot. Not going to lie.
bald_stoic and thainoodles sit back to enjoy the incredible homoeroticism. Apparently all the fighter pilot teams are sleeping together.
More Gay motorcycle riding from Mav. He shows up at Charlie’s house. Completely random over-dinner scene occurs. They drink wine and talk about life and listen to “Sitting on the dock of the Bay”. Mav waxes Gay in front of a billowing curtain as he muses about his family. Apparently Mav’s father, a great fighter pilot, screwed up and “disappeared”. Lame-ass, really bizarre eye sex occurs. Mav leaves to take a shower, but has apparently enjoying being with Charlie. He then zooms away on his Gay motocycle.
Cut to elevator where Charlie moves over to make room for Mav’s rippling biceps. She is dressed like a guy. Mav seems really interested. More bizarre eye sex. Mav leaves. Again.
thainoodles: Thank god. That was the most uncomfortable moment of my life and I wasn’t even on the elevator.
Cut to Goose and Mav talking. They greets a random plane. Goose greets family while Mav looks on.
bald_stoic: Mav looks so comfortable holding Goose’s child.
Cut to a Top Gun classroom. Ice and Mav lean Gayly, independent of one another. Another random fighter pilot leans like a school girl. General atmosphere of Gayness.
bald_stoic and thainoodles stop for a Chinese pastry break.
As Top Gun students study flight simulations that eerily resemble ‘Space Invader’, Ice watches the back of Mav’s head. Mav spouts some ridiculous macho cliché, asserting his manliness Gayness upon Charlie, thainoodles believes is clearly a lesbian.
thainoodles: What? She so is.
Meanwhile Ice seems turned on by Mav’s brashness. Goose seems upset for some reason. Jealous? Romantic-sounding music plays as a random man whispers in Mav’s ear. Mav half-smiles, contemplates Charlie. His cheek twitches, a sure sign of either love or loathing.
Cut to Mav, on his motorcycle, refusing to talk to Charlie.
bald_stoic : Oh, come off it, Charlie.
thainoodles: Seriously, it’s one thing to play hard to get, but you don’t insult a closeted Gay macho-man in front of all his closeted Gay macho friends.
bald_stoic: Well if Ice is in the closet, I think the door is made of glass.
thainoodles: But he tries so hard!
(shoorihoshi's note: Best. Comments. Ever.)
More Gay motorcycle riding.
bald_stoic: That’s 3 Diet Cokes so far tonight. We’ll sleep. Eventually.
thainoodles: Oy, bald_stoic. That’s like wrong statement number 5 billion.
bald_stoic: Oh, as if you don’t have at least that many yourself.
Note: For the record, bald_stoic and thainoodles are not, in fact, dating. Although they have the tendency to act like an old married couple, they are, in fact something…very different. We’re not sure exactly what that would be, but…yes. We will, however, stress that both bald_stoic and thainoodles like men. Very much. And are currently dating Ian McKellen and Gerard Butler, respectively. It does not matter that neither man is aware of the previous fact. Thank you. This public service announcement brought to you courtesy of [Bad username: mwom].
Charlie and Mav have a heated argument in the middle of a busy street. Charlie has “fallen for” Mav.
*thainoodles writhes in pain*
Charlie and Mav have an extended sloppy kiss during which we cannot see Mav’s face. We can see his extremely manly bomber jacket, however.
bald_stoic: Ew. Just, ew.
thainoodles: Cue the awkward love scene…wait, how did it get to be midnight already?
As Mav and Charley draw closer in anticipation of carnal knowledge…
thainoodles: Good one, bald_stoic.
…[Bad username: bald_stoic] curls up in fetal position and begins to recite Shakespeare.
[Bad username: thainoodles]: It’s that bad, bald_stoic, they both kind of look like men here…ah, I see the appeal for Mav. But God! The Music! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!
(Note from your friendly neighborhood shoorihoshi: Actually, the former members of Berlin have freely admitted that part of what broke up the band was that their record company forced them to do this song, which they DID NOT WRITE. And I think you can kinda tell.)
Terrible make-out scene. We see tongue. At this point, both bald_stoic and thainoodles begin to retch.
thainoodles: Bring me a basin! Quick!
bald_stoic: If I had a spork, I’d gouge out my eyes.
thainoodles: So that’s what those are for.
bald_stoic: That, and Mary-Sues.
thainoodles: Wait a minute, Charlie’s a woman astrophysics expert at Top Gun and Mav’s hooking up with her…She IS a Mary-Sue.
bald_stoic: SPORK HER!
Mav is on now on top of Charlie.
thainoodles: I got the feeling that he was the dominant type. Hey, [Bad username: bald_stoic], look! Mav’s got a hole in his shoulder just like yours!
thainoodles: Sorry. Just anything to distract me from the PAIN!
bald_stoic: Well, if she weren’t there, it would be kind of hot…try substituting Ice.
thainoodles: Yum! That’s much better.
Scene continues, bald_stoic and thainoodles repeat their mantra: There is no Charlie. Face-sucking ensues. Simulated sex ensues.
Cut to the morning after.
thainoodles: Thank God!
bald_stoic: He’s gone. Ha.
thainoodles: Of course he’s gone, he had to leave once the light came on and he couldn’t pretend Charlie was a man anymore. And, please, kill the music.
(Note from your friendly neighborhood shoorihoshi: With those legs Kelly Mcgillis had, I'm suprised he could pretend at ALL.)
As she opens the note he left (complete with flower), she looks extremely masculine.
thainoodles: Ah, it all makes sense now.
Whatever was in the note, it makes her smile. We wonder why.
Cut to another training sequence. Competition for the Top Gun trophy is tight. Mav trails Ice by 2 points. Viper is flying with them. This makes them all very nervous, excepting Mav, who has no nerves to speak of. Mav declares that he “wants Viper”. Yet more swooping planes and breathless voices.
Cut to lock room. Gayness. Ice lectures Mav on his attitude while checking out Mav’s ass. Mav, leaning over Goose, admits his stupidity. Prolonged eye contact to romantic music.
Cut to Mav, angsting in bed.
Cut to random party-type thing with Mav, Goose, Goose’s family, and Charlie. Goose Mav sing a duet. Meg Ryan appears to be drunk.
Mav rides his motorcycle. Even with a woman behind him, he still looks Gay. Charlie has mysteriously become a whore.
thainoodles: I would just like to comment on Tom Cruise’s hotness. Kudos to him for this extreme hotness in the face of adversity.
Sloppy face-sucking. Again.
thainoodles: I was better than this on my first kiss.
bald_stoic: I wouldn’t know, but it’s hard to imagine that it could be any worse.
Cut to more training. The Top Gun trophy is still up for grabs. Phallic planes maneuver in front of the setting sun. The bad 80s music has returned. The planes fly. That’s what they do. Battle of the macho Gayness ensues. Technical problems arise. Bad special effects follow. The plane spins out of control, and Mav and Goose eject. Goose hits the canopy and dies. After they land in the water, Mav cradles Goose’s head and cries. This scene is actually kind of sweet and touching and rather well done. However, the sad/romantic music chosen to accompany the scene ruins it. Any deaf person watching this film would just see a sad person mourning the loss of their best friend, who happened to have just died in they’re arms. Unfortunately, we are not deaf, and the music puts this scene into the same category as Boromir’s death scene.
Cut to Mav in the bathroom in , let’s face it, granny panties. He seems to be in shock. Viper enters, checks out Mav’s ass. Mav angsts as Viper tells him to “let go” of Goose and then strokes Mav’s back and walks out. Mav stares at himself in the mirror. Angst.
Charlie, looking very much like a man, and accompanied by Mav, pulls up in an insanely ugly car. Mav goes to talk to Goose’s wife. On the way, he stops, picks up Goose’s dog tags, and caresses them. Mav angstily leans up against a door and fights back tears. Goose’s tells Mav that Goose loved flying with him. Mav begins to cry, as he remembers all the other things he used to do with Goose, and tries not to look too guilty in front of Goose’s wife. Apparently this works, as she gets up and hugs him. Mav accepts the hug, but doesn’t make an attempt to hug back. Goose’s wife tells Mav to keep flying, then leaves Mav alone.
Mav stands before the Board of Inquiry about Goose’s death. It was indeed an accident, and there is nothing Mav could have done.
Cut to Mav getting back in a plane. More training. Mav is losing his concentration and his cool. Anger issues commence.
thainoodles: Val is turned on.
bald_stoic: Val is always turned on.
(Note from your friendly neighborhood shoorihoshi: Except when he's forced to make out with Nicole Kidman, yeah.)
Cut to the locker room. Ice and Mav, clad in extremely tight pants, are alone. Ice is apparently wondering if now would be a good time to make a pass at Mav. He seems to sniff the air. He settles instead for offering his condolences to Mav about Goose and walks out. Ice’s little flunky watches from around the corner, looks pissed. We find out that Mav quit, and Wolfman calls Charlie about it.
Cut to random bar, where Charlie intercepts Mav. Bad dialogue. She tells him that it’s not his fault and that he should go back. Mav tells her that she doesn’t understand. Mav is being kind of a drama queen, but we understand. Charlie leaves. Mav distracted taps his drinks and goes to visit Viper at his home. Viper comes in, talks to Mav about Mav’s father. Mav finally finds out the truth about his father’s death. It was, of course, wildly heroic. We also find out that Viper apparently still carries a torch for Mav’s father. Viper gives Mav a chance to come back. Mav rides off on his motorcycles.
Mav stands, thinks, watches planes fly. Top Gun class graduates. Mav shows up at the after-party. Pretty much every man touches Mav. A crisis situation comes up. Everyone important is called away to go handle it.
24 hours later in the Indian Ocean. Mission is outlined. We don’t really care what it entails. Basically just a bunch of Gay men staring Gayly at each other. The pilots climb into their planes, and the planes take off. More loving plane-flying shots. Faceless enemy appears. Mav yet again caresses Goose’s dog tags. Something is wrong. We don’t know what. We weren’t really paying attention. Hollywood has been hit, and Slider is in trouble. So is Ice. Pilots report that they are in “deep shit”.
thainoodles: Is that a technical term?
Mav to the rescue! Merlin is terrified. Excessive swearing commences. Mav, clutching Goose’s dog tags, and breathing heavily, engages the enemy. After a bit of action, Slider pull out. Mav refuses to leave Ice.
thainoodles: Ah, Young Love.
Ice is hit. Intense eye shots. Missiles fly. More swearing. Mav pulls off an impressive maneuver and destroys the enemy. Huzzah! The planes then return. Cheering hordes of Naval men welcome the fighter pilots back. Mav is a hero. Mav and Ice come face to face.
Ice: You. You’re still dangerous. *big smile* You can be my wingman anytime.
thainoodles: Apparently he’s into danger.
Mav: Bullshit! You can be mine.
*They cast loving looks at each other and hug until they are pulled away to be hugged by other men*
Mav finally lets Goose go, by throwing Goose’s dog tags into the sea. He has a new man now.
Cut to Mav, who now has his choice of assignment and wants to be a Top Gun instructor, sitting alone in a bar. Drinking a beer, he wanders about, until Charlie walks in. They smile at each other.
Mav: This could be complicated.
bald_stoic and thainoodles: Well, yes.
Their ‘song’ is about lost love. Awkwardly they embrace, but don’t kiss. Cut to Goose. And Iceman.
thainoodles: Wow, that movie ended suddenly.
bald_stoic: Wow, Silder is really Gay. And so is Hollywood. And Wolfman, and…yeah.
thainoodles: You do realize the romance song is still playing.