|Pirates of the Caribbean
||[Sep. 4th, 2005|01:52 am]
Movies Without Mercy
|||||#13 - Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack||]|
The movie is good. The movie is awesome. This does not mean that it cannot be MWOM'd. In fact, it should prove that no movie is beyond our reach...
There are no opening credits. Already, I know that this will be badass. It's inevitable, right? I mean, no credits!!!
Oh, scary image of fog surrounding a boat and a weird-looking mermaid for a figurehead. There's a little girl singing! Even more frightening! It's all misty, so we know it's either 1) a flashback, 2) a creepy scene or 3) both. The writers opt for number 3.
Joshamee Gibbs makes an appearance as a Navy man. He gets a little too comfortable with the bottle and ends up leaving the Navy, but for now, you see him as a superstitious peasant. He gives Elizabeth creepy vibes.
Jack Davenport plays the snarky and brilliant James Norrington. Norrington isn't the major character I'd like him to be, but integral enough so that I can mention him and my love for him too much.
Norrington: Those pirates will get what they deserve: a short drop and a sudden stop.
Elizabeth is too stupid to figure this out until Gibbs mimes someone hanging. She clearly would've not survived Phantom of the Opera. Also, this shows Norrington's love of Snark. He is a master of Snark, and imparts the virtue onto all that work with him.
Look! It's Jonathan Pryce! He's Governor Weatherby Swann. He's also the French Delatombe in Brothers Grimm. His ability to do accents is marvelous. The dark hair wig creeps me out a bit though, I like his naturally dark hair in Grimm better.
Oh noes! Umbrella of Impending Doom!
The crew sees a ship exploded and on fire. Will Turner turns up on his back, useless as usual, while Norrington proves how awesome he is. Lieutenant Gillette (not as a lieutenant, obviously) is also on this ship, serving probably as a wench (heh, I don't mean that). He's most likely a midshipman, while it seem' Norrington was just promoted to Captain. It makes sense with Norrington’s nervousness. You know, besides the fact that he's with Pimpmaster Governor Swann and the ten year old he's going to marry someday. Yay.
Norrington attempts to rationalize the situation. "Err - their powder kegs were improperly stored?" Gibbs performs some of his almost-fortune telling whammy, saying that pirates did this. Why were there two ships leaving from England? I'm not sure how common this was, but the trip is pretty strenuous, and these ships left within hours of each other. Does the Governor get his own boat? I guess...
Even young!Will Turner is a bad actor. Elizabeth tries to be reassuring, but she's about ten, so it's not that reassuring.
OMG FORESHADOWING - the Jolly Roger! PIRATES!
Nice transition. Except Alfonso Cuaron did it better for Harry Potter. Damn, that was a good movie. Ahem, attention span of a three year old.
As Elizabeth pulls out the medallion she stole from young!Will Turner, it is apparent that she never dusts. Or at least, she needs to fire her maid. The chain on the necklace changes lengths throughout the entire movie. Right now, it's bosom length.
We know it's later (eight years, exactly), because Jonathan Pryce is wearing a gray wig.
Oh boy. Corset humor. Wouldn't she have been wearing a corset already? Sigh.
And Pimpmaster Swann bought her this lovely corset so she could be the high fashion all around Port Royal. He wants her to look good so all the boys will be fighting over her. Maybe, then, Norrington won't ask her to wear breeches and bootblack around her eyes...
Swann is such a pimp.
And here, Will Turner shows that, as for the entire movie, he will be useless and break things. He meanders through the Swann household snapping off protruding objects. Then, he shows Swann the sword, babbling some nonesense about folded steel. Folded steel? How'd he go to Japan and steal that idea? Oh well. Will is, erm, traveled. I guess. He made it all the way to Middle Earth, Greece, Australia, Israel...
Humor is supposed to be in that Swann doesn't acknowledge the fact that it is obviously Will who made the sword. It falls a bit flat, but only because Will's being a little blank and Jonathan Pryce just can't work with it. Elizabeth tells Will about her wet dreams. Swann tries to tell her to be formal, but he just smiles like the pimp he is.
Best. Entrance. Ever.
Johnny Depp shows up,
his Anamaria's ship is leaking. It's a dingy swoop, so I'm not expecting much anyway. He tries to bail it out, but this just isn't working. Johnny Jack abandons the rescue and rides it out.
The first blatant homage to the ride appears, hanging pirates. Jack salutes noble-like.
I find it sad I can sing along with the entire soundtrack. Hmm.
I like that the harbormaster has a little black slave boy he dresses up. Actually, no, it's a bit creepy. He demands Jack's name and payment. Jack says “Hot McHotty and how bout you give me a blowjob?” The harbormaster consents.
Norrington's promotion. Elizabeth looks like she would rather be anywhere else than seeing an intelligent, funny, rich, and well-placed man get promoted. She's a bitch.
While Jack Davenport does fancy sword moves back at the fort, Johnny Depp uses his fake English accent on the Navy Idiots left to guard the mostimportantshipsevarh! Mullroy and Murtogg. Hilarity ensues. It is unmistakable by their body language that Murtogg and Mullroy are lovers. The loveable and gullible Murtogg is clearly the bottom. Foreshadowing about the Black Pearl happens, but I'm just amazed by the sexual tension attempting to grab Johnny into their threesome.
Sneaking aboard the Dauntless, Jack handles the nobs of the wheel rather well. Heh. The Navy Lovers try to interrogate him, telling him to state his business, but with a shot of Veritaserum. He then says one of the best lines ever -
Jack: Well, then, I confess, it is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out.
and the Lovers have another skirmish about his sincerity. They're so cute. Jack uses psychology beyond their understanding. Any attempt to get away will surely succeed now.
Norrington is adorable as he tries to propose to a woman ten years his younger who clearly has no interest in him. Elizabeth keeps the corset joke going, realizing that it's dying. Norrington is sweet and endearing. He needs sex with Jack. Wait... what?
A dummy!Elizabeth falls off the cliff. Norrington, ever noble, attempts to save it. Gillette, who is completely in love with Norrington, prevents his OTL from
A stunt double dives off the ship to save Elizabeth. It's Johnny’s double. Johnny's double does the swim work amazingly well.
The wind starts blowing another way, the flags change direction, people look up warily - Strange things are afoot at the Port Royal harbor.
For no apparent reason, there needs to be a bazillion soldiers to see if Elizabeth survived the fall.
After saving her, Johnny cuts off her corset, saying he learned in it Singapore. Singapore did not exist until the 1900s. Whoops. That is the only anachronism I will mention. There are several. There are more than several. I won't mention anymore. I promise. Besides, Johnny Depp said it, so it's okay.
Jack Davenport Norrington pretends there is no sexual tension between him and Johnny Depp Jack. He says fine, he won't lock up Sparrow since Sparrow did the whole saving Elizabeth thing. Then, James puts out his hand for a friendly shake, Jack does the best 'Eww' motion, then Norrington exposes him as a pirate! James! That is not how we go around getting people in bed with us. He wants to be kinky, sending for irons, and Gillette is only too happy to comply, hoping he'll be able to use them... Hmm. Snark ensues, so thick that Elizabeth stops existing. Norrington checks out Jack's 'effects' (which do not include his ass), finding them less than exceptional.
Norrington: No additional shot or powder, a compass that doesn't point north... (pulls out Jack's sword) and I half expected it to be made of wood. You are, without a doubt, the worst pirate I've ever heard of. - I love Jack Davenport's smile right here.
Jack says he'll stop by Norrington's place around nine that night for a little shag. Or, you know, "But you have heard of me."
Elizabeth shows how naïve and trusting she is, defending Jack with her back to him. Jack holds her hostage to get away. Norrington is terrified at the idea of shooting Jack, so he orders his men not to shoot, despite the clear shot, and gives in to Jack's demands. Jack and Norrington have eyesex.
Wonderful music plays as Jack escapes. Ironically (Intentionally?), this piece is called "Captain Jack Sparrow."
The chain thing has confused many a people. I will explain it now. The chain is long enough that Jack folds it together, throws it over, and grabs the folded chain to slide down the rope. You might say it isn't long enough, and in some shots, it isn't. Due to the lovely lack of continuity, though, the chain is long enough for Jack to escape.
Norrington sends the troops out to look for
his lover Sparrow. Jack wanders into Orlando Bloom's Hut of Bad Acting aka the Smithy. Mr. Brown (the real blacksmith) is a running gag. Again.
Johnny tries to get off the irons by branding a donkey. It doesn't appreciate "Orlando Bloom's Sextoy" tattooed on its ass, and runs accordingly. Orlando fondles the donkey when he gets back the shop. Where the hell was he? Did he decide to tour the city after going to the Governor's mansion?
Vidal Verbinski says that the best swordsman is Will, the Norrington and Barbossa, then Jack. Poor guy has to fight Will right here! I'm guessing all the archery training really helped Orlando get into the fight mode.
Jack tries to leave without a real fight. Will, obviously enamored, blocks his exit. Jack has learned from the donkey that Will is not a good boyfriend. Donkey has a running gag.
Well-choreographed fighting and dialogue ensues. Jack is funny. Will is lame.
Eunuch jokes begin. They won't stop. This is an improv by Mr. Depp, though, so it is acceptable. Besides, running jokes/gags merge the piece together! Not silly things like plot or characters. Crazy stunt double fighting continues like mad. Jack 'cheats,' but says "Pirate!" and I forgive him. I realize just how much I can quote of this movie. The answer is "all of it."
Mr. Brown clunks Jack over the head after Jack makes some ambiguous comments about his pistol shot not meant for Will. The Navy comes. No one expects them. Norrington does a "neenier neenier" to Will by pretending he doesn't exist. He throws Jack's words back at him. Hee.
Second nod to the ride. The evil dog at the prison that will never come to you. Bastard.
A maid at the Swann household incorrectly uses the warming pan. If she were my maid, I'd shoot her. That could light your bed on fire! Elizabeth looks all contemplative and the candle flickers with foreshadowing.
Swann tries to pimp out his daughter to Norrington as they walk along the fort walls. Norrington tries to find a way to tell him that 1) he's gay and 2) his lover is Jack Sparrow.
Jack, meanwhile, has some backstory in the cell. Basically just ooh! Scary Black Pearl! And hey, while we're on the subject, the Black Pearl pops up and starts shooting. Port Royal lights up like a Christmas tree.
Pintel and Ragetti, the Mullroy and Murtogg of the pirate world, are shown close-up. This is where we realize they will be around enough for us to care about their names. They are lovers as well. It's a regular gay convention.
Will tries to be manly and fight the pirates. He doesn't have a bow and arrows, so he fails and is knocked unconscious.
Because this is a Bruckheimer movie, there are way too many explosions. Norrington tells Swann to lock himself in Norrington's office. Norrington is pretty commanding and sexy in this scene, showing just how good an officer he is, all the more reason to marry him Elizabeth.
Elizabeth, while fighting with more intelligence and fortitude than Will, tries to get away from the pirate lovers, but ends up hiding in the worst spot ever. She is captured. However, because
her father is a pirate , she knows lots of pirates, it suits the scriptwriters, she knows about the rights to parlez. Yes, it's parlez. It's French for "You talk."
Meanwhile, Jack is not blasted out of his cell, and
weeps thinks up alternate plans. This includes tempting the dog. That will never work Jack. Twigg y (imdb.com tells me it is Koehler, but they are stupid, so I win) enters with a lackey, and furthers a plot point. Well, THE plot point. Oh noes! The Black Pearl crew are living skeletons. Creepy!
Elizabeth is taken on the
Boat of Creepy Black Pearl. The Bo'sun shows an interesting African art called 'scarring.' Barbossa invokes and interesting art called 'scaring.' Seriously, Geoffrey Rush is gross and creeps me out in the worst way.
Elizabeth threatens to drop her
plot point necklace off the side of the Black Pearl if they don't stop firing on Port Royal. What I don't understand is if she drops it, can't they just go down there and get it? I mean, they're undead pirates. We see them walking under the water without any difficulty later on.
Backstory is revealed enigmatically. They need 'Bootstrap's' kid. For some mysterious reason! Elizabeth wants to be taken back to shore (she can’t swim?) and Barbossa delivers the verbal smackdown. For being a Creepy Bastard, he sure is cool.
Will shows how stupid, inconsiderate, and whiny he is. Apparently, he's channeling Luke Skywalker. He walks in on a Navy meeting with the Governor, where Norrington is planning the best course of action. Will acts like a snooty bitch. Norrington lays the verbal smackdown. The writers better watch out. Too much smackdown can lead to bruises.
Will goes to interrogate Jack at the prison. He's not good at it. Jack manipulates the situation, getting Will to release him so Jack has leverage when he wants to get the Black Pearl back. Will shows he paid attention is Blacksmith 101 and pops off the door.
Jack succeeds in stealing the Interceptor. He makes it look like he wants the Dauntless, but he is too smart for that - he can't man that ship! it'd require at least a 20 person crew. Will and Jack take a boat underwater so they can breathe under it. Uhm, how are they staying down? Wouldn't they float up? Apparently, physics are not part of a scriptwriter's education.
Gillette gets a little snarky snark, but Jack's not having any of that from Norrington's fangirl. Norrington comments that Jack is "the worst pirate I've ever seen" right in front of Groves. Groves pines after Gillette, so he's gotten a bit of the snarky snark. We'll see it in just a moment. Jack and Will, once everyone's on the Dauntless, take over the Interceptor. Groves, while Norrington is pissed and feisty, gets a little snarky "That's got the be the best pirate I've ever seen." He becomes another one in Jack's teeming mass of fangirls. Norrington says "So it would seem" in such a voice that makes a girl wanna jump his bones.
On the HMS Backstory, Will learns his father was a pirate. Jack threatens to kill Will if Will won't just suck it up and deal. Will decides to deal. WHOA! Will just pulled out his sword with a metal shwang, but there was no scabbard. Uhm... Propmaster? Jack has a bit of pirate philosophy, at apparently the same place he learned Navy Befuddling Psychology.
The third nod to the ride. Tortuga. "A wretched hive of scum and villainy." Mos Eisley much? Jack gets slapped twice, a tiny bit of hilarious. They find Gibbs, the ex-Navy man from the beginning. They go to a bar. Oddly, this scene makes me think of Spirited Away. It's the pigs, I say.
Lots of fighting in the bar they go to. A fat woman flirts with Will. Fourth nod to the ride. Jack tells Gibbs "there'll be lots of danger and a very high possibility of death. I'm pretty sure we might also end up as undead pirates for the rest of our lives."
Gibbs: Sign me up!
We also learn that Gibbs is half-retarded, Jack makes pretty mmh sounds, and they drink a lot.
Aboard the HMS Creepy, Elizabeth is told to wear a pretty dress stolen from My Chemical Romance's video Helena, or go naked. She picks the dress, strangely enough. There's a whole lot of food, none of which looks appealing, and Barbossa watches her creepily. She chows down. Then, too late in my opinion, says "Liek OMGZ! POISON!" But alas, no. We're told they need her blood to break the Aztec curse. The curse that turns them into undead zombies who can't eat, drink, or have sex. No, really, that's one of their ailments. No sex. Wow. That makes Pintel and Ragetti almost like Rogue and Gambit!!
There’s way too much backstory in this scene. Where's Johnny? Where's Norrington? Damnit, I'm bored. Though, Geoffery Rush is fucking awesome, as always. I think Keira Knightly's attempt to be badass it detracting from his awesomeness.
This is also the scene where we learn of Barbossa's apple fetish. He fondles those things like he has experience with small round objects. I’m just saying...
Elizabeth rides the new Pirates of the Caribbean ride. She does not enjoy.
Jack's crew was rounded up from outside a prison. They wanted to be cool hardasses, but couldn't do anything wrong enough to be in there.
Johnny Depp's tongue comes out. I forget the next five minutes of the movie. Something about them being on his crew. He needs one to go after Barbossa, and tempts them all with tons of treasure and the Interceptor as a consolation prize. He stole Anamaria's boat. She's angry. The slapping gag continues. Will attempts to be smart. He is just a loser instead.
For some reason, there is a storm scene. It's either meant to show how crazy Jack is, how strong the new crew is, or, uhm, gratuitous wet men.
The Barbossa Pirates, who are now a baseball team, go to Isla del Muerta to release the curse. Apparently, the 'Island of Death' is where all curses go to chillax. Elizabeth's necklace is now above her bosom. It's changed length, for no reason other than to let the audience see it. The camera backs up enough to show that the crew is entering a cave in an island shaped like a SKULL!! Of course, they're entering the nose, so... not very creepy.
There are hammerheads amongst the shipwrecks as Jack and his crew pass by on their way to Isla del Muerta. They creep me out more than Barbossa. More backstory. Jack was former captain of the Black Pearl ten years ago, mutiny against him, stranded on an island for three days. Barbossa was his First Mate. Jack used hair from his back to rope turtles into taking him to some shore. Will attempts to act like Johnny Depp. He fails, because he is Orlando Bloom.
The Barbossa Pirates enter the treasure trove. One of them pitches a fastball. We see the Aztec Chest of Doom, looming doomfully. Pintel and Ragetti have a moment, complete with women's clothing and the line "stop rubbin' it!"
Jack and Will go inside. Jack tells Will he's practically pirate. Will's like "nuh uh!" and Jack says "Let's look at the evidence:
1) Breaking a criminal out of prison? Check!
2) Stealing a Navy ship? Check!
3) Completely obsessed with treasure (not the silver and gold kind, mind you) Check!
4) In conclusion, totally a pirate.
Will's arguing skills are as good as his acting ones.
Barbossa makes The Villain Speech, which is rendered anti-climactic when he only slices along Elizabeth's palm. Apparently, gang-banging is in little Lizzie's future. Wah. Wow, Geoffery Rush has pretty hands.
Will whaps stuntdouble!Johnny. He tries to be noble and it comes off more like snooty bitch. I am Rebecca's complete lack of surprise.
Barbossa shoots one of his men. Nothing happens. They also don't explain why this fatal shot doesn't affect Pintel later, when the same thing kills Barbossa. There are no qualms with smacking around Elizabeth. Will 'rescues' Elizabeth, sacrificing Jack in the meantime. I weep, because that means no Norrington/Jack sex!
The crew gets a little testy, Barbossa waves around his sword, and they lose Elizabeth. Their oars are missing (why is this a problem? Can't they walk underwater?). They encounter a slightly disoriented Jack. He tries to say parlez, in a quite funny improv. In the deleted scene, Pintel admits his gayness by saying that he "once dated a eunuch." Since eunuchs are all men... I'm just saying.
Jack decides to use his leverage with Barbossa so his sorry ass isn't killed. Jack's crew leaves, because of stupid Will saying Jack 'got left behind,' and on the HMS Sexual Tension, Will and Elizabeth have a moment. Will badly acts again, and Elizabeth uses the moves her pimp father taught her. WHOA! Elizabeth just moved Will's hand DOWN HER BOSOM. She was going to give him the necklace, but, uh, if I was Will, I'd be excited about getting lucky. Elizabeth's weepy that Will might've been a pirate. Will tries to come to terms with his pirate heritage. I, frankly, could care less.
Jack uses Barbossa's apple fetish to its limits, but he cannot persuade Barbossa to give him the ship. They catch up to the Interceptor. Jack, realizing he's fucked, tries to weasel his way out. This does not work.
Instead of waiting downstairs where a girl who grew up living in a privileged mansion never manning a boat with an obsession for pirates, would be most useful, Elizabeth comes upstairs to give her expert opinion. It does little more than piss of Anamaria and rid them of their ammunition.
Meanwhile, the Black Pearl sails on creepily, with a creepy trail of fog creepily surrounding and trailing it.
Will, a little more savvy what with his time on the HMS Backstory with Jack, tells them to OMGZ LIKE FIRE! Elizabeth, brilliant again, tells them to drop anchor so they turn sharply starboard. This is probably the worst idea ever. It compromises the integrity of their ship so it'll sink, and brings them face to face with the Black Pearl for combat without ammo. Yay for Elizabeth.
The Interceptor fires silverware. The Black Pearl fires grapeshot. Hmm. Jack gets out of his cell and weasels over to the Interceptor. Anamaria wants to kill Elizabeth, but Will volunteers instead. He goes below deck, where the candles fell over and there's black powder everywhere, to retrieve the medallion they both stupidly left there.
The Interceptor's main mast falls - PWNED!
Elizabeth fires a gun without any kickback at all, Will drowns below deck, and Jack weaselly tries to get back the medallion. His theme music plays. Apparently, the mast fell on the hatch, so Will is going to die. Oh, yes, I'm totally scared for his survival right now.
Barbossa whips out the snarky snark, and Jack takes it like a bitch. Everyone is captured and brough to the Black Pearl. The Interceptor is blowed up.
Pintel needlessly tells them they can't have parlez. Considering that Barbossa is right there in front of them, parlez would be useless. No smart pirates anywhere.
Will shows up, not dead! Yay. Will asks for Elizabeth. Jack says don't do anything stupid. Will does something stupid. Eunuch joke continues. Will messes it all up by taking away Jack's leverage. And then, when he bargains, does so like an idiot. Stupid blacksmith. They make Elizabeth walk the plank. I'm still confused, because Elizabeth should be able to swim, and with land so close, it's not really a punishment. Humiliation maybe?
Johnny Depp's stunt double is a magnificent diver.
Jack and Elizabeth (who can swim) end up on the same island Jack was stranded on before. Elizabeth forces Jack to reveal how he escaped last time. It's not a very grand story, since all that happened was that rumrunners came and took Jack with them. He says he bartered for passage. With what? Oh Jack... you whore. But, sadly, the rumrunners are all gone thanks to bloody Norrington. Jack had gone too long without mentioning his boyfriend. Thankfully, there is still a cache of rum under some palm trees.
Elizabeth teaches Jack a song and gets him drunk. She acts drunk, but isn't, but I can tell and I would think Jack could too. Frankly, I think all he wants is booty. And, uh, I don't mean gold. Jack drinks himself unconscious.
He wakes up to something burning. OMG IT'S THE RUM. Elizabeth is clearly insane. Jack should shoot her. Oh good, he considers it. Elizabeth gets all self-righteous and prattles on about a 1000ft plume of smoke, the Navy searching for her, yada yada. He mocks her and her stupid plan to get the Navy to - oh. Whoops. There's the Navy. "There'll be no living with her after this." Damn right.
Norrington does not look sad that Will's dead. Norrington, in fact, looks like he could perform a little jig right now. Jack tries a little bargaining to get rid of Barbossa immediately, but Norrington reveals that he's a GREAT man with the line “By remembering that I serve others, and not just myself.” (that's it, where do I pick up my Norrington?) Elizabeth manipulates him into going to get Will, saying she'll marry him. Norrington goes w00bie and agrees. He tells Jack in their sekkrit code that he's going down to the brig and there will be sex soon.
On the HMS Creepy, in the brig, Will is separated from the rest of the crew. I guess it's so their vile ickiness won't taint his precious blood. Or maybe he needs room to practice his archery. Pintel and Ragetti, punished to swabbing the deck in the brig, are so in love it hurts. There's more backstory. Bootstrap was strapped to a cannon and sent to the bottom of the ocean, hence the need for Will's blood. Just wondering, with that not killing him, and all of ten years, wouldn't Bootstrap be able to free himself and find the shore? Sequel, ho!
At the Isla del Muerta, Norrington gets his Snarky McSnarkson hat on, and him and Jack have a little banter about attack tactics while sitting in a little rowboat. Hee. Elizabeth, dressed very inappropriately in men's clothing, tries nowto tell Norrington about the undead pirates. Gillette just snarks at her. I think there's a class you take in the military about how to be snarky. All them Naval boys got it. It's the same place Jack got Pirate Philosophy 101 and Navy Befuddling Psychology 101. There was a Snark 101 right next to it.
Barbossa is clearly used to dealing with Jack's nonsense and rolls his eyes while Jack is enigmatic. Jack tells them about the Navy outside.
Murtogg and Mullroy have a little lover's quarrel. Tis hard times for the lovers all. Norrington interrupts so that there isn't chattering during the fight. He says he doesn't trust Jack. That spells bad for their relationship.
Jack gets all sneaky and pockets a coin. Will sees it, thinks he knows what the plans are, and tries to get in a little bad acting while he can. It's bad, thanks Will. Jack wanted them to go to the boats, so he could show Norrington that he is trustworthy, but Barbossa ruins those plans. Barbossa hates everyone who gets love because he gets none.
The pirates walk along the bottom of the ocean. It is badass. I still don't get how they can stay down.
Pintel and Ragetti cross-dress. Pintel told Ragetti it is a diversionary tactic, so the Navy don't see the Underwater Brothers, but really, he just wants to see Ragetti in a dress. Ragetti tries to be smart and alludes to Troy. The parallels are unsettling. Also, Orlando Bloom was in both. Sigh.
Swann shows how awesome he is by being a good father and saying good fatherly things to his daughter who is banished to the cabin. Elizabeth, meanwhile, sneaks away ignoring his words of love.
When the Underwater Brothers sneak aboard the Dauntless, Several Navy men die without a fight. It's very sad, and I bet Gillette feels like a piss-ant for not listening to Elizabeth. Even though she's a stupid h0r. Pintel and Ragetti's skirmish turns physical (not like that!) and fighting breaks out on the Dauntless.
Jack reveals his plan of, uh, fighting. Will can fight with his arms tied! Wow! He is the best swordsman ever!
Pirates aboard the Pearl decide what food to eat. They're thinking cake. And not death. Elizabeth sneaks on in the meantime. She used a boat to get there. Why was there a boat tied up on the aft of the Dauntless? Anyway, she goes and frees Jack's crew. Norrington sees how incredibly wrong everything's gotten and heads for the Dauntless. Swann hides manfully in the cabin.
OMGZ! BARBOSSA STABBED JACK! Oh. It’s okay. Jack stole the coin. Alright, I feel better. Even as a skeleton, Jack is badass. This next scene is really cool. There are shafts of light that Jack and Barbossa walk into, and they’re skeletons, but real people in the non-shafted part. It's a nice effect.
This is the fighty part of the movie, so there's lots of fighting. Mostly well-choreographed. A lot of banter, not a lot of anything plotty.
Elizabeth wants to go save Will and Jack. Jack's crew more along the lines of "Uh, let's get out of here." She has to row back herself. More Navy men die needlessly.
Oh yay Norrington! He shoots his gun all badass-y, then whips out his sword and flings it around with style and flair. Why is Elizabeth choosing Will? Murtogg and Mullroy share a handshake of love.
Elizabeth saves Will's life with a corset joke. The two see skeleton!Barbossa and skeleton!Jack dueling it out.
Elizabeth: What side is Jack on?
Will: At the moment?
Oh no - climax! Jack slices his hand, tosses Will the bloody coin, Barbossa whips out his gun, points at Elizabeth, a shot fired!
...into Barbossa. What? Oh. Will bloodies his coin, drops it in, Barbossa dies. In his hand is an apple. Apparently, he was carrying it the entire time he was swordfighting. Yep.
With the curse now lifted, Norrington manfully kills a pirate. Everyone breaks out in huzzahs as the pirates cave like a bowl of jello. Swann comes out of the cabin, huzzahing like he's a badass. Swann - you're a pimp, stick with that.
Tearful Elizabeth and Will reunion. Elizabeth looks at his lips powerfully. Will says they should get back to her fiancé. Jack messes it up further by digging through treasure for the best piece he can find. He is excited. Not so excited when he finds out his crew ditched him with the Pearl.
Several weeks later at Jack's hanging. Poor Jack. Norrington looks ill. The town clerk reads off Jack's list of crimes. Hee! Impersonating the clergy, arson, kidnapping, blah blah. Jack's done a lot of naughty things. Swann tells Elizabeth that Sugar Daddy Norrington doesn't have a choice; Norrington looks like he wants to cry.
Will shows up with a ginormous feather in his hat. It's huge. I can't really focus on what he’s saying. Is he over-compensating for something? Elizabeth pretends to faint, Norrington, thankful for the distraction, pretends Will going to save the pirate isn't that big of a deal, and Will pretends his aim is that good.
Acrobatics ensue. Bumbling Navy men persue. These are the most amazing stunt doubles ever. Jack is as annoyed as I am at the feather.
Norrington looks pissed that Will saved Jack. He wants to punch Will's lights out.
Norrington: You forget your place.
Will: It's right here, between you and Jack.
Elizabeth: As is mine.
Me: OMG. OT4!!!
Norrington looks crushed. I guess he doesn't have a beard now. Poor guy, he's really upstanding.
Jack makes the rounds for goodbyes. He gets too close to the pimp, and the pimp don't like it. Norrington and Jack practically make out. Gillette stands in the background looking like he might take Jack's head off for touching Norrington. Jack flirts with Elizabeth and doesn't really give Will a second look. Really kids, where is the Will/Jack stuff coming from?
Jack tries to be dramatic, but ends up falling off the cliff. They really need to get that fixed. Norrington decides to not chase Jack and gut him, like Gillette desperately wants. He instead is gracious, tells Will to take Elizabeth, and gives Jack one day's head start. In all, Norrington is probably the only one I really feel anything for at the end of this movie. Except for Jack, of course. I love him too.
Swann looks on at his pimpness and is happy that his daughter is getting married. Elizabeth? Check!
Jack's crew apparently didn’t abandon him. In fact, they retrieved all his goods, repaired the ship, and are making him captain again. Even Anamaria doesn't look like she’s going to cut his balls off with a
Clearly, Jack has more love for his ship than he ever has for a person. Except Norrington.
Jack: Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
Sweet Jesus is he sexy when he says this line.
I have to mention, don't worry it's important, that in the original script, Jack never made it to the hanging. He was released from his prison the night before. When Will and Elizabeth go all kissy-face, Norrington tells Gillette that he'll give Jack "one day's head start" while swinging a prison key around his finger. I'm just saying...
BTW - total comment whore. Like, no joke.