||[Jun. 25th, 2005|12:21 am]
Movies Without Mercy
Howdy, ya’ll! Welcome to my first solo recap of the movie “Valentine”. Let’s get this party started!
So, since this is my very own VHS copy that I purchased for six dollars at the grocery store, let’s have a rundown of the promos: DVD is going to change the world (though nothing is said about internet piracy), Helen Hunt played an alcoholic in Pay It Forward, Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron look really good together in a totally non-memorable kind of way, Sugar and Spice was a really pathetic cheerleader movie, and Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe should never, ever be allowed to work together. Ever. Also, apparently, I should buy the soundtrack to this movie because it has music from such MEGA HIT BANDS as “BT” and “Snake River Conspiracy”. Swoot. OH LOOK! IT’S AN AD FOR AOL! BACK WHEN THEY ONLY HAD DIALUP! Heehee.
We open on a yearbook from the Robert E Kennedy High School class of 1988. It cuts quickly back and forth between the yearbook (which is covered with red pen scribblings of “I HATE YOU” and “I WANT YOU”) and a geeky little boy getting repeatedly shot down as he asks girls to dance. He asks "Paige", she says she’d rather be boiled alive. He asks "Kate", she says “Maybe later, Jeremy.” This gives him hope, and he smiles a toothy smile and gazes adoringly at her from behind his coke bottle glasses.
He approaches a fat-girl, who is not by any means REAL people fat, but is sufficiently pudgy that she is movie-fat. She is the Movie-Fat Girl. He asks her to dance. They gaze at each other emotionlessly, then go behind the bleachers to make out with so little passion that this recapper wonders if the actors had gotten their hormones yet. A group of rowdy boys approach the bleachers and proceed to call Jeremy a sick pervert. One of the boys asks Movie Fat-Girl if Jeremy attacked her. Her immediate reply is “He attacked me! He attacked me!” and she backs away. Since this movie was made after Carrie, the boys dump a bucket of some mysterious red goo that could be blood or could be punch, on poor little Jeremy. Jeremy gets a nosebleed. The boys then grab him, and strip him down to his underwear, and kick him into oblivion, while the other children cheer. Charming.
Opening title. VALENTINE.
We fade in on a blue-eyed man named Jason who refers to himself in the third person. He’s trying to woo over an attractive women that he’s on a dinner date with by telling her that “Jason wants” an attractive single woman like herself, and that she wants Jason, because “Jason makes her feel safe.” Whilst I gag, this too-nice woman responds by etching the words “HELP ME” into the salad dressing residue on her plate with the edge of her fork. She snidely informs him that “Jason has something stuck in his teeth.” Jason corrects this before moving onto that crappy ass “and so the species survives” argument modern fraternity men seem to have aquired when publishing their Why We Should Totally Have Sex thesis papers and asks her, "In the end, what else is there?" She replies that there’s the check, and then yells for it. Jason seems a little off put by the lack of dessert, but she apologizes, and says she has finals. Or, you know, she’ll just be washing her hair for the next week and a half, Jason. You choose. Jason then sticks her with most of the bill. They leave the restaurant, and the still unnamed girl thanks him, and tells him it was nice to meet him, even though it really sort of sucked. Jason whines about not getting “Just a little frickin’ hug,” and tells her that “This hard to get shit doesn’t play with Jason.” She tells him that she’s “Not a doctor yet” but that it is her “considered opinion” that he seek psychiatric help. I concur. This is, by the way, the only time in the entire movie that I empathize with any of these women. Jason skulks off to hit on another woman in the restaurant by telling her that “Jason likes your dress.”
Because this shithole of a movie has poorly spaced out opening credits, we are informed now that the music was composed by Don Daves. I have no idea who Don Daves is. I don’t particularly care.
An ugly white car pulls up next to an old, spooky looking building, and dinner-date girl gets out. Oh, I see, she’s in a morgue. Thus the shot of her pulling on rubber gloves, standing over a very pale corpse named Chad. She says it’s “just you and me now,” and promises to be gentle. Sweetheart, never say it’s “just you and me”, because it never ever is, not with production values this low. I mean, look at you, you’re going to be cutting open a dead body and you’re not even wearing scrubs or a hairnet. Probably because scrubs wouldn't show off as much of your cleavage.
Anyway. She picks up a scalpel, and praises Chad for being the “strong silent type”, which is “refreshing”. She then says something in Latin about his “transverses abdominis” so that we know that despite the lack of proper medical attire, she is, in fact, a doctor. Whatever. Naturally, before she can cut Chad open, there’s a sound in the background, and she turns, wide-eyed and asks if anyone’s there. She then puts the scalpel down, and takes off her gloves.
Ah, here it is. The establishing shots of Pretty Girl, walking through the hallway, looking warily from side the side, asking if anyone’s there. Is there just, like, a generic horror-movie script term for this kind of shot now? Do all the writers of these pieces of shit have an abbreviation so you can save paper?
Anyway. A guy jumps out of nowhere, and scares her half to death. Don’t worry folks, she’s not dead yet, but she did scare the shit out him. We don’t know who the hell HE is, but he asks her if she’s going to be okay in there at night, alone, all by herself. Well, probably not if she tries to do a delicate medical procedure like an autopsy without turning on any fucking lights first, dumbass. She says she’ll be okay, since she’s with Chad, her corpse. Is it normal for somebody to be so fixated on the name of the person they’re dissecting? I dissected a rat one, but I didn’t name him. He seems reassured, grabs his bag, and they wish each other good luck before he leaves. Pretty Girl then spots a red envelope taped to a locker. Since this is a crappy horror movie, instead of naturally assuming that something found nowhere near her possessions doesn’t belong to her, she opens the envelope. A close up reveals that her name is in fact on the envelope, but since I’m watching this on an ancient VHS copy that spent at least three years on the shelf at the grocery store before I bought it, the name on the envelope literally too grainy for me to read.
Inside of the envelope, there’s a card with a cupid on the front, and a stupid love poem: The journey of love is an arduous track, my love grows for you as you bleed from your neck. There’s a picture of a woman inside the card, and if you pull the tab at the bottom, a picture of a cupid stabs her. Heehee. Pretty Girl says several times how not nice this is, and starts to skulk back to the lab. Don’t morgues have closing hours or something? Or, like, people working the late shift? Janitors? Anyone?
Pretty Girl reenters the lab. Her first clue that's something's amiss should be that the corpse is now covered over with a white sheet, even though she left it exposed. Having replaced her gloves, Pretty Girl lowers the scalpel to the oddly exposed chest of the corpse, which then takes a deep breath. Pretty Girl shrieks and backs up against a closet. Against the closet, we can see Chad, face pressed up against the window. Pretty Girl shrieks again. Chad falls out of the closet. Pretty Girl turns around. Not-Corpse is gone from the operating table. Pretty Girl grabs a scalpel, and because she’s an idiot, goes to investigate. Who the fuck dissects a body the night before their final? Even if that IS your final exam, shouldn’t you already know how to do it by now? Isn’t that what med school is all about? Anyway, Pretty Girl screams that whoever is doing this should stop, as she continues to search the lab. Now I sort of WANT her to die. She should have left while she had the chance. Pretty Girl grabs for the door handle. The door refuses to budge. Yep, she’s gonna die. She knows it too; her hand is shaking, despite that fierce fierce scalpel. Okay, piano music to lull us into a flase sense of she’s-gonna-make-it.
The camera spins, and we see that the door Pretty Girl was trying to open before is now mysteriously open. Pretty Girl heads for it, nervously, when a black clad arm reaches out from behind one of the curtains hanging near the door (for no apparent reason) and grabs her around the neck. She screams, and struggles, and hits him, and gets away, and makes a run for it down the hallway.Of course, the next door she gets to is locked. Why do people always trip when they run in these movies? Do they think we won’t expect it to happen? Anyway, behind her, a tall man in black clothing and a shoddily made Cupid Mask approaches, carrying a knife. He walks, she runs, and she manages to get into a room filled with black body bags. She shuts the door behind her, and creepy Cupid mask man continues to approach. He opens the door, and surveys the supposedly empty room, before he starts unzipping the body bags. He unzips one, then another, then gets fed up and stabs the next five before finally unzipping the one that contains Pretty Girl. What did she do with the real body? Pretty Girl screams, and he holds her down by the head, and cuts her throat. From under the nose holes in his mask, he gets a nosebleed. Close up of the bed pan under the table with Dead Pretty Girl on it, filling up with blood for no apparent reason. He CUT HER in the NECK. It was a shallow cut to the nerves. Why should there be that much blood from the other end of her body? He didn’t even have to wipe his knife off.
Cut to Denise Richards and some blonde actress who I know I recognize but don’t care about enough to look up wearing ugly scarves and jackets. Apparently, blonde girl’s name is “Kate”, and she’s promised to do something. Kate complains that she got called at work about “computer monitor dustwipes” and says that this is painful enough that she should be let out of whatever thing she has promised to do. Denise drags her by the arm, saying that it’s not painful, because “You meet thirty guys a night, you get thirty seconds a piece, unless you want more”. Ahhh, singles club. Gotcha. Kate says she hasn’t “completely broken up with Adam yet”, to which Denise replies that she will, because "Adam’s a drunk." Kate helpfully explains that Adam’s not a drunk, just a “borderline addictive personality who happens to like alcohol a lot.” Kate agrees to the “Turbo Dating” thing, and off we go the crappy barrage of shots of guys we’re supposed to laugh at because of how pathetic they are. Because we, the audience, are as shallow as Denise Richard’s acting abilities. Bitch, please.
Obligatory shots of asshole/geeky/pathetic/religious zealot guys that Kate is not going to be attracted to. We finally get to a cute one, but just as Kate seems enthused, Denise Richards, who is supposedly called "Paige", leans over and introduces herself to cute guy, dropping the information that Kate is in a serious relationship. Bitch. Kate doesn’t seem upset, but when they leave, she calls Denise “appalling”. Kate’s cell rings, and they get a call from their friend Dorothy, who tells them something that makes Denise Richards put on her best terror face.
We waste absolutely no time in cutting to a funeral, where a preacher man tells everyone to share their grief. Literally thirty seconds later we cut to everyone leaving the funeral, and, hey look, it’s David Boreanaz from TV’s Angel! Woo! And he’s talking to Kate! And he doesn’t know what to do in situations like this. He knows that they’re supposedly taking a break, but he “just thought [Kate] needed a friend.” Kate’s glad he’s here, and they awkwardly hug. Your recapper realizes she’s been watching too much Angel when she notices how weird it is to see Boreanaz in direct sunlight. Kate reaches over into Angel’s car (it’s a convertible) and pulls out the newspaper, saying something about front page. They grin, until Kate notices a bottle of expensive liquor on the seat of the car. Angel says that it’s just a gift for somebody else, and that he hasn’t touched any alcohol in three weeks. He asks if they can have dinner sometime this week, and Kate says she’s not sure, because the last time they did, they ended up in a hotel in Lake Tahoe for three days. Angel grins, remembering this, and they laugh. Wow, they have less romantic chemistry than the entire cast of friends put together. Kate says she’ll call Angel, and he kisses her on the cheek before he takes off in his car.
Oh, look, a new Movie-Fat Girl! She's supposedly the afformentioned "Dorothy", but who cares? Movie-Fat girl comes over and takes Kate’s arm. Kate says something about how Angel looks good, and Movie-Fat girl tells her that “That boy always looks good.” You know, except for that one time when Hamilton nearly kicked his ass, and he got blood all over his face and-...but yeah, this was 1999, when David Boreanaz usually looked really good. Anyway, it turns out that there are four friends, and the other two approach (one of whom is Denise) Movie-Fat Girl and Kate. They walk together, and Kate asks one of her friends not to give her a hard time about Angel. Denise opens up a flask, and is condemned (for reasons she can’t understand) by a short blonde girl with annoyingly trendy hair for drinking at a funeral. Sounds like Angel aren’t the only one hitting the bottle.
Blonde Trendy Girl asks if they saw that the police were there, talking to people. Blah blah blah awful. Blonde Trendy Girl’s name is Lily, and she can’t believe that Pretty Girl, who’s name is SHELLY is gone. A police officer asks if he can ask them some questions. Blah blah blah friends when they were kids, never kept in touch, blah blah. How big is this town? Jason "3rd Person" Marquez, for the record, is also missing. The cop says that if they think of anything, they should give him a call, and then hands Denise his card.
Cut to a mansion, which Movie-Fat Girl enters, to sounds of giggling upstairs. Movie-Fat Girl seems annoyed, and picks up her mail to find a pretty red envelope. Can you guess where this is going? She opens it, and pulls out a card that reads: Roses are red, violets are blue, they’ll need dental records to identify you. Charming. The doorbell rings, and somebody named Campbell is at there to see Movie-Fat Girl. She ushers him in, and he refers to her mansion as a “cozy little place.” He asks if he can crash at her place for a while because of some stupid story about his roommate, and the lack of money he has because it’s invested in startup company blah blah blah. You guys don’t care, right? I don’t. Movie-Fat Girl shouts for the maid, whose name is Milly, to make up a guest room for Campbell. He tells her that she’s the best, and as he goes off to get his stuff. A skanky Asian girl comes down the stairs to admire his ass and ask who he is in a lascivious manner. Movie-Fat Girl says that he’s a friend from Yoga. Skanky Asian, who’s name is Kim, which is much easier to type, asks snidely if he’s the reason Movie-Fat Girl has been working out. Movie-Fat Girl tells Kim, who is not her “girlfriend” and not her “mother” to screw off. Kim says she’s just taking an interest in Movie-Fat Girl’s well being, since Kim is her stepmother, even though Kim is apparently not old enough to “rent a car by herself”. Whatever the fuck that means. Dude, I’m pretty sure that in MA you can rent a car for yourself if you have a license, and Kim is definitely at least eighteen, or she wouldn’t be allowed to be married to Movie-Fat Girl’s father in the first place. They trade insults about sex lives, and about how Kim is a mail order bride from hell, and a whore, and sucks, and Movie-Fat Girl’s father comes downstairs to comfort Kim and tell Movie-Fat Girl to show more respect to his skanky wife.
Shower! Kate in the shower, lathering her hair. Noise outside. Kate shuts off shower, and inquires who’s there as she pulls a towel around her body. Kate surveys they’re (way too nice) apartment, before deciding to go back to the shower. Sadly, none of the water is working. Kate calls her landlord, who doesn’t answer the phone. Kate, out of water, sticks her head in the toilet to wash the shampoo out of her hair. The phone rings, and Kate picks up, but nobody answers. Then, outside the OPEN door, the elevator dings. Kate, in a towel, steps out into the hallway. Um, ew? I get that there’s a different between real-life modesty and movie-people modesty, but seriously, who leaves their apartment clad only in a towel, even if it’s to check on the elevator? And why was she so unconcerned about her door being open? The elevator door slides back, to reveal a creepy Cupid mask stuck in it. Kate is then startled by her creepy neighbor with an accent and spiky hair coming out to say “Hello, Kate.” His name is Gary, and he tells her she looks “Great’, and asks her about a date, Kate, and she could be his mate, Kate, and it could be their fate, Kate, and he’s Scary Gary, and I so don’t care. Kate leaves.
Cut to Lily, watching a singles hotline video on her TV, skankily replying to the Movie Hot guy on it. I don’t care. Denise is watching too, and making cereal. Denise and Lily bid goodbye to TV guy. Door buzz. Candy! Nobody there, but there’s a box of candy, and a rose. Creepy poem is: It’s a well-known fact that beauty is skin deep, Savor the taste, you are what you eat. Who the fuck writes this crap? I think iambic pentameter is over in a corner somewhere, crying. Thus they muse over how strange it is, and its signed “JM”. They argue over who’s it is. Denise has covered more of the alphabet than Lily. I find that hard to believe, they’re both pretty slutty looking, and in Movie World, if you look slutty, then you ARE slutty. Lily opens the box of chocolates and bites into one, before noticing the worms in it, and spitting it out. She then does a really bizarre jumping up and down/screaming, jittery dance, which is supposed to show how creeped out she is, but is really just sort of hilarious. Cut to the girls, sitting on couches, trying to figure out who sent the candy. Jeremy Melton is mentioned, Lily doesn’t remember him. Denise reminds her of the “sixty-pound pervert”, and Lily chimes in, scrunching up her nose and saying in a piggy little voice “Book geek! You look so pretty, Paige!” This is supposed to make me understand how repulsive Jeremy is. It actually makes me want to break Lily’s nose for being such a stupid bitch. They laugh over how stupid Jeremy is, and “he can’t still live in town, can he?” You’re telling me you’re making fun of a guy who LEFT the stupid shoddy town you backwards-ass skanks have been living in since sixth grade? You’re making fun of somebody who has the initiative you so clearly lack? See, in the hands of a good writer, I would sympathize with these girls, and NOT WANT THEM TO DIE. Anyway, they don’t know what happened to Jeremy. Denise says that they were “so horrible to that kid”, which would totally sound like a lament, if she wasn’t both a bitch and a bad actress at the same time. Lily shrugs it off, saying, “Whatever, all I know is that that was nasty. Guh” before drinking out of a carton of orange juice without using a glass while making a scrunched up bitter face that I’d like to kick. In he hands of a good writer, that would be intentional irony. But we know better.
Cut to a room filled with strange video screens that contain close-ups of mouths. Denise tells Kate about chocolate. Kate worries about the man who was in her apartment. Denise tells her they were all “so looped by the time [they] left” that Kate probably left her door unlocked. So it’s not okay to get drunk at a funeral, just immediately after one. Gotcha. Anyway, they spot Jason across the room, but he doesn’t come over. WTF? Then Lily approaches with her shaggy looking fuckbuddy, Max. Max is the artist of this weird video show, and the girls pretend to like it. He waxes poetic about some artistic crap, gives Lily a kiss, then goes off to fix some video playback thing in some maze and blahdeebblahdeeblah. Denise spots Campbell, and introduces herself, but stops hitting on him when Movie-Fat Girl comes over and let’s everyone know that he’s taken. Campbell is introduced to the other three friends, and the girls excitedly ask why Movie-Fat Girl kept him to herself. Well, duh, because she has slutty friends who’ll get in on her action, of course. Blah blah. Max talks about art, and is an idiot, while the four girls mention Jeremy Melton and the Junior High Valentines Day dance and cupid mask, and WOW I am SO OVER this stupid movie. Apparently, they all get set up on a blind date here (?) and women walk through one side of he maze, men through the other. The girls admire the stupid video set up, and one of the screens is on a creepy loop that says “LOVE ME” over and over again. Kinky music plays, and we come upon Lily and Max making out like mad. Max’s female assistant who told him the playback was broken earlier approaches, and, while watching them, starts to unbutton her blouse. Lily sees her, and gets angry with Max. Max says that it’s Amy, and she was invited to join them. Lily yells at him, and Max makes some stupid argument about how it’s not like they’re in Junior High School, which makes NO SENSE whatsoever. Lily says she doesn’t have to deal with this, because she has an early flight tomorrow. As if, somehow, that’s the only reason she doesn’t have to deal with this. Lily calls Max a “cheap, hypocritical, sleazeball” as she puts on her jacket, and Max says lamely “Yeah, but you knew that.” Point. Also, how does wanting a threesome make a guy who's wardrobe totally came from a 60's vintage shop and who does bad art about sexuality hypocritical? Does Lily know what that word means? Lily storms off.
Lily wanders through he maze, but gradually, sections of the maze start shutting down. Lily gets frantic, and then, gets shot with an arrow, in her abdomen and has a pre-death scene of Shatnar-esq proportions as Cupid Mask Man looks on. Would a puncture like that to the abdomen really kill you? I mean, the arrow didn’t even go very deep. There’s no way she’d die that fast. Oh wait, there’s more. He shoots her again. This time, Lily falls back through one of the (suprisingly thin) video screens, and out the emergency exit over a huge stairwell. The creepy Cupid Mask Man fires another arrow, and the impact somehow sends Lily over the side of the railing, falling to her death. Cupid Mask Man has a nosebleed.
Cut to Campbell, being interrogated by some snotty blonde woman who, judging by the sweater wrapped around her shoulders, is clearly supposed to be rich. The woman demands for her money back from Campbell, and Movie-Fat Girl goes over and asks what the problem is. Apparently Campbell bled this woman dry with some Internet investment. Color me shocked.
Cut to Kate and Angel having dinner…at a bar. Um, Kate? DUH. Alcoholic? Bar? No-no. She fills him in on the creepiness of everything. She mentions that a pair of her underwear is missing. Angel says he borrowed it. Wearing women’s underwear apparently “makes [him] feel free”. They then order drinks, Angel surprisingly orders a club soda. He asks Kate for one more chance, Kate isn’t convinced he’s changed. Blah. Don’t care.
Cop interviewing Denise, Kate, and Movie-Fat Girl. A remembrance card that says “TOO BAD, SO SAD” from Jeremy Melton was sent to Shelly’s parents. I fail to care. Movie-Fat Girl makes the JM connection, which shows how much smarter she is than Denise. She's the fat one, of course she's the smartest! The cop makes a really good point in pointing out that even though he told them he was looking for Jason Marquez, they never made the JM connection. Because they’re stupid. The cop asks about Jeremy, and Denise says he was “some loser from sixth grade.” Movie-Fat Girl says that Jeremy’s the one. Cop says it’s not worth worrying about. He and Denise exchange weird, totally pointless looks, and he says he’ll check it out. As they leave the mansion, Movie-Fat Girl says that she knows she’s going to be killed next. Denise, because she can’t act, is smiling, and says “[Movie-Fat Girl], he did attack you, right?” Movie-Fat Girl admits that she made out with him willingly, but was embarrassed when she got caught. Congratulations Kate, your friends are officially all horrible people. Movie-Fat Girl laments being fat when she was young, and that she made out with Jeremy because he was the only guy at the dance who looked at her. I really want to hurt all of them now, but I can’t. Denise tells Movie-Fat Girl not to worry, because Jeremy couldn’t even manage a water fountain without screwing up, so he must not be capable of an intricate revenge plot. Huh? Was Jeremy a loser, or was Jeremy a book nerd? Books nerds? Smart. Socially inept, but smart. Klutzy, but smart. Sounds to me like Denise is the dumbass. Then I remember that in real life, she married Charlie Sheen. And was suprised when it didn't work out.
And now, Kate does what any sane person would have done in the first place, and searches on the internet for Jeremy Melton. No matches are found, which makes zero sense, because there’s always going to be somebody out there who has the name you’re looking for, even if it isn’t the PERSON you’re looking for. Then, Angel startles her by putting his hand on her shoulder. Apparently, Kate forgot they were going to have dinner. Angel asks what’s up, Kate says it’s nothing. Cut to the two walking down a street. Kate asks if the theory about Jeremy is far-fetched, Angel says he’s not sure. They stop at the steps leading up to her apartment, and she invites him up. They kiss, and he says that it wouldn’t be a good idea for him to come up because he doesn’t want her to regret it. Angel...is either a gentlemen, or he really needs to go home and have a drink.
Police Station. Apparently Jeremy was sent to a reform school, then a state mental hospital. The police officer mentions that "You girls really did some number on him, huh?" and it makes me like him for half a second. The police officer has no idea where Jeremy is. His parents died in a fire a few years ago. The cop brings up a really creepy photo of young Jeremy, which he manipulates on the computer to show them that yeah, they’re probably screwed, because nobody knows what Jeremy looks like now. He asks about Lily, and they say that she’s in L.A. Hee. He asks if any of them have boyfriends, and specifically asks Denise. Denise replies that “the short answer, is no.” Which is basically her, skating around the fact that she’s a huge slut. Kate has Angel; she’s known him for a while, he worked with her at the paper, blah blah blah. He asks Movie-Fat Girl, who talks about Campbell, and how smart he is, and she’s known him for a month. The cop asks where Movie-Fat Girl met Campbell, and she says at yoga, and adds, “it’s a very exclusive gym.” Whatever the fuck that means. Kate points out that Campbell is staying with Movie-Fat Girl. Denise gets all indignant about how Movie-Fat Girl has only known this guy for a month, and he’s living in her house. Which is huge, by the way. It’s not like it’s the most intimate of dwellings. Movie-Fat Girl counters rightly that there have been guys that Denise has let into her pants without knowing their last names. Denise says that Movie-Fat Girl doesn’t have to be bitchy. With your skanky ass for a friend? Yeah, she does. The cop asks what Campbell’s last name is. Movie-Fat Girl looks lost, then exasperated, and says that “This is bullshit,” and that she doesn’t have to answer anymore stupid questions. The short version of that is, by the way, is either “I just realized I have no idea.” or "The writers are fucking lazy when it comes to naming their characters." She leaves. Kate has to leave, so does Denise, but the cop asks Denise to stay a minute. Denise Richards then does the ONLY thing she can do half-well, acting wise: she tries to act sexy. “Uh-oh,” she coos, “Am I in trouble detective? Do you wanna interrogate me?” I die a little inside. Kate leaves. The cop, much to my dismay, really does hit on her, supposedly by putting his hand on her thigh. We don't get to see that, because it probably wasn't in Denise Richards contract. I don’t care about it enough to elaborate, suffice to say the cop thinks there’s sexual tension between them. I would feel MUCH sorrier for Denise if she hadn’t been hitting on him just a second ago.
Kate’s apartment. Iron is on. Iron is ripped off the wall. Cupid Mask Man enters. Gary is trying on Kate’s panties. Cupid Mask Man hits Gary with the iron, then burns him with it. Then, hits him again. Death.
Kate gets out of a cab. Angel was trying to buzz up. They wish each other Valentines’ Day. Angel says he spent most of the afternoon talking to the detective, and jokes that it was very romantic. Kate tries to make excuses for the detective; Angel says there’s nothing to explain. Angel invites her to Movie-Fat Girl’s party. Do a lot of people have parties for Valentines’ Day? I always thought it was supposed to be a more intimate occasion. Anyway, it’s a bad horror movie, so there has to be a party. Kate asks if Angel brought her a gift. He produces a heart shaped lollipop. She gives him an IOU: TLC on the back of a dry-cleaning bill.
Kate comes home, and sees the iron. She hears someone in her bathroom. She raises the iron. It’s Denise. Kate asks what Denise is doing. Denise, who may have just taken a shower, says that the cop is “A disgusting, lecherous scumbag.” Bonus points for the use of the word “lecherous” in a sentence. Kate asks what she means; Denise says that after Kate left, the cop put his hand on her thigh. Kate asks if Denise asked him to. Denise says, “What do you think?” Well, gee, that sounds to me exactly like something you’d do, Denise. Kate sits down to answer the ringing phone. It’s Movie-Fat Girl. Speakerphone. Movie-Fat Girl says the police “came for Campbell” and have requested that he not leave town for a few days. Movie-Fat Girl accuses Kate of giving the cop Campbell’s name. Kate says she didn’t. Movie-Fat Girl doesn’t realize that it would be EASY for the cops to find him: they all admitted that he’s living in her house. Also, possibly being investigated for fraud. Movie-Fat Girl says that Campbell is all she’s got. Denise tells Movie-Fat Girl to hang up and go make it up to Campbell. Movie-Fat Girl asks how. Denise says to “Use your imagination.” Wow, if she’s not bitching about some kid in sixth grade who worshipped the ground she walked on, she’s talking about sex, huh? Movie-Fat Girl thanks Denise, and then hangs up. The phone rings again. It’s cop. He says they found Jason Marquette, but they’ve not questioned him yet.
Cut to Campbell sitting in front of the hot tub. Movie-Fat Girl enters, striding over to him admiringly for having fixed it. Movie-Fat Girl apologizes for “this morning”. She holds out a box, and wishes him Happy Valentine’s Day. He says he had no idea they were exchanging. She got him a Rolex. He loves it. They kiss. And kiss. And kiss.
Bed. Lyrics of jazzy music: Guess the honeymoon is over. Well, duh. Campbell looks bored, Movie-Fat Girl looks upset. She tells him not to worry about it. Ohhhhh. Could somebody not get it up for Fat Girl? She goes to take a shower. She does. He hands her a towel. Then, gives her a necklace…of a cherub. I think. It’s ugly, but she loves it. He says he has to leave for drinks before her party. She asks if he wants to shower with her, but he declines. He promises to be back before the party ends. She looks doubtful.
Campbell, by the pool, in a robe, on his cell phone. He's talking to a bank, and draining the account of Kevin Wheeler, Movie-Fat Girl's father, and reads off the account number. He says he wants the entire account.
Movie-Fat Girl buzzes him. He’s upset. She asks if he could relight the pilot in their basement since they just lost their hot water. He says he will. He gets annoyed, “Fucking perfect, now I’m on the staff.” Um, dude? You’re living there. Rent free. It’s a nice house. Shut up.
Long story short: Campbell goes down to the basement; Cupid Mask Man kills him with an axe. Why does nobody ever turn on any LIGHTS in this movie?
Par-tay. Cupid theme. Dancing. Denise in a red dress, looking for Brian, the Turbo Dating guy. Movie-Fat Girl is depressed because Campbell hasn’t shown up. Kate tries to be nice. Angel shows up. He looks great. He and Kate head for the dancefloor, and he flashes her the IOU: TLC. They kiss.
Denise dances in slow motion to the techno music by jerking her head strangely from side to side and movie her hands up and down her hips. It’s funny. Brian spots her. She says “You came!” he says “I like how you move.” They dance. It’s really weird. He gropes her across the abdomen. He says he’d like to take her upstairs. They kiss. She asks what’s upstairs. He says he has something he wants to show her; it’s a surprise. She loves surprises. She leads him away, right past a scowling Movie-Fat Girl.
Upstairs. They mack. She asks what the surprise is. He motions her to sit on the bed, stands up, and undoes his pants. She stares down. “You brought me up here to show me your penis. That’s so sweet.” He says “Well,” and asks her to “wax it”. She says he’s unbelievable. He tells her to relax. She tells him to finish stripping. He does. He’s chiseled. She tells him to lay down on the bed. She sits on top of him. There are candles on the headboard. She ties him up with random scarves, and blindfolds him. He says the first time he saw her, he knew she was kinky. Or, you know, that she was a skanky ho, which is what she is. She kisses him. She offers to “wax it”, then grabs a candle and slides down his body, and pours the candle wax someplace we can’t see. Then, she leaves. The actor does a very bad job of letting us know how much that would hurt. Trust me: a LOT.
Denise finds Kate and whines that the party sucks. Rich woman from art show shows up. She sees Movie-Fat Girl’s necklace and says it’s hers, and it was stolen from her, along with half of her jewelry. Movie-Fat Girl says Campbell loves her. Rich woman says he loves her trust fund. Movie-Fat Girl is upset. Denise heads for the hot tub. Max asks Kate if Lily is around, and says Lily never showed up in LA. Kate is upset. Rich Woman enters.
Rich Woman goes through Campbell’s things. Rich Woman finds Campbell’s new watch. She puts it on, and smiles greedily. Rustling at the door. She opens it, and two women walk past. She shuts the door slowly so as not to be seen. Because they’d totally know who she was. Rich Woman makes her way down the stairs. Cupid Mask Man enters, dragging the body of the maid. She thinks thinks he’s part of the party, but he pulls out a knife. She runs. She hides in another room, and slides under a piece of furniture. He examines the room from the outside. He leaves. He comes back. She’s still under the furniture. She starts to crawl out, and looks down to see the body of the late Campbell. Because she’s not as stupid as every other woman in this movie, she fights not the scream, and puts her hand in her mouth. She crawls out. She approaches the door and carefully opens it. She’s terrified, and starts walking towards the door. She glances one way, then the other, then Cupid Mask Man grabs her, throws her through a plate glass window, and, with his nosebleed, forces her neck down onto some broken glass, which kills her instantly.
Kate tells Movie-Fat Girl that Lily never shower up in LA. Movie-Fat Girl asks if Kate thinks Jeremy is at the party. Out of, like, nowhere. Kate says she hopes he’s not. Movie-Fat Girl says her father has a gun in the study. Kate says that will get them both killed. Kate’s cell. It’s the cop. He says they let Marquette go, because they didn’t have enough evidence to hold him. He could be anywhere, including at the party. Kate says Lily never showed in LA. Cop says he’ll be there soon.
Kate finds Angel, drinking. (And wow, if this actually WERE Angel, that description would have WAY more interesting implications.) She storms off, he follows her.
Hot tub, Denise Richards, black bikini. She gets in, soaking her hair, and smoothing it back. She pours herself a glass of wine, and sips it. Somebody enters. She is startled, so she swims over to the wine bottle for another glass. A rose is sitting there, next to the bottle. She asks if anyone is there. She asks if anyone wants to be her Valentine. She gets out of the water. Crappy creepy movie music. She looks around for her admirer. Nobody is to be seen. She tells whoever they are to get the fuck out. She steps into the bushes. Nobody is there. She backs out of the bushes, and walks right into Creepy Cupid Mask Man. He shuts her in the hot tub, and closes the lid on her, and locks it. She screams, and pounds on the lid, trying to get out. His nose bleeds. She screams. He gets a drill, and drills through the glass down a her. She tries to breathe through one of the drill holes. He finally stabs her in the shoulder. He unlocks the lid, and throws in the drill, effectively electrocuting her and blowing the power. Partygoers are sad. I’m not.
Movie-Fat Girl tells Kate that Angel could be the killer. Kate doesn’t believe this. Kate says that “He’s no angel, but he’s no murderer.” I choose to believe the writers were really trying to be ironic about that. MFG replies that Kate didn’t know he was an alcoholic when they first met, either. MFG doesn’t know if she trusts Kate’s judgment. Kate says it could just as easily be Campbell. MFG gets pissy about that. MFG does a monologue about how she was just the fat one, and how Kate only thinks of her that way, and how that’s why they don’t like Campbell. She storms off. Kate is alone, and upset. Kate gets her cell and calls the cop. She hears ringing nearby. Kate follows the noise and finds cop’s dead body in the water, along with the IOU:TLC note she gave Angel. She runs screaming back towards the house, because she’s an idiot. Angel comes walking down the stairs towards her, in Angelus mode. Angelus says hi. Kate says she thought something might have happened to MFG. Angelus wants Kate to dance with him. It’s creepy. She dances with him. He says he loves her, and would never hurt her. She’s scared. He asks he what’s wrong, and she says she doesn’t wanna hurt him either, but she will, and kicks him in the balls. Ouch. He keels over in pain.
Angelus follows Kate through the house as she looks for MFG. Kate finds the dead body of Denise in the hot tub as she runs through the house. Angelus says he’s always loved her. She throws things at him and runs. She finds Dead Rich Woman. She tries the phone. The lines are cut. She gets the gun that MFG mentioned earlier. She loads it, and cocks it. She shakily proceeds out into the hallway, with the gun pointed. She goes up the stairs the same way, and it takes a long ass time. She opens a door at the top of the stairs, and Cupid Mask Man falls out on top of her, and they fall down the stairs together. She screams.
Kate sits up; Cupid Mask Man is next to her. Cupid Mask Man sits up, and is shot repeatedly. By Angel. Kate embraces Angel and movie-cries. Angel removes the mask. It’s MFG, bleeding from the mouth. Kate can’t believe it. I don’t either, actually, for several reasons:
1. The chest at the beginning that Pretty Girl was about to cut open until it started to breathe? Was male. And had to have belonged to Cupid Mask Man, since nobody else was there.
2. Movie-Fat Girl told Kate about her father's gun. If she were planning to kill Kate, why would she tell her about a means to defend herself?
3. The killer in these movies is never a girl unless she's a generic sexy girl. It's an unwritten horrible horror movie rule.
Angel embraces Kate, and pets her hair.
Angel and Kate sit on the porch, as Angel calls the police. Kate doesn’t understand how MFG could do this when she was so happy. Angel says that MFG must have had all that anger and rage and never did anything about it. Kate says they all liked her, and were her friends. Kate apologizes for the way she was before. What, the fact that she took back an obvious alcoholic and then was surprised when he was drinking again? Yeah, I’d be sorry too. She loves him. He loves her. He always has. He squeezes her hand. His nose bleeds, and his eyes are wide and creepy. Angelus! Credits, underneath a female scream. End.
That was SO not David Boreanaz's chest in the morgue scene. Dude, it just wasn't, okay? I've seen Buffy Season Three. It wasn't.
Well, that sucked. Hope you all enjoyed it! :D