|Phantom of the Opera
||[Aug. 6th, 2005|11:57 pm]
Movies Without Mercy
And so, thainoodles and bald_stoic show off their recapping prowess by tackling the second most difficult thing to recap ever, a musical (the first of course being anything that is intentionally funny.) Enjoy. Since none of you have ever read a bald_stoic recap before, I feel that I must share with you this little tidbit from one of our online conversations: shoorihoshi (10:37:40 PM): it's like Hemmingway was taking notes for you
Sithlord802 (10:37:57 PM): I killed Hemingway.
Sithlord802 (10:38:06 PM): And made it look like suicide.
Sithlord802 (10:38:15 PM): He was stealing my work.
THIS WAS PAINSTAKINGLY EDITED BY shoorihoshi, WHO DID NOT GET PAID TO DO THIS.
NOTES:thainoodles would like to apologize for any holding-back that she might inadvertently do, but she states, for the record, that she is in mad hormonal love with Gerard Butler. Fortunately, bald_stoic, who possesses no hormones, is there to keep her in check (somewhat). bald_stoic regrets that she can do nothing about the gushing that always issues forth from the 'Point of No Return'.
As is the case with 'Batman Forever' (a recap which has been written, and will be posted soon), Warner Brothers has told us that they are, in fact, Warner Brothers. We get it.
Melodramatic candle illuminates the title: "Phantom of the Opera". Zoom in on the Paris Opera House, 1919. We don't get why they need to tell us the exact year.
thainoodles: When did they install a wheelchair ramp?
Bad, old-school filming ensues, man steps out of a car, sits in a wheelchair, attended by a nun in a funny hat Public Auction at the Opera House, man auctions off fake Opera Poster. An old woman in bad veil appears. We zoom in on our first shot of Roal, and, even as an old, decrepit man, he's freaking gay. Bidding war for the monkey music box starts. Auctioneer has an amusing mustache. Bidding war continues, stops when Raoul wins the monkey for 30 francs. Raoul waxes musical.
Suddenly, fallen chandelier is drawn upwards, as scary "Phantom of the Opera" music starts, everything turns from black and white to color as we go back in time. 1870, in fact. The Paris Opera House is, at this time, pretty and shiny and fake.
thainoodles: What's up with naked, bound women? Was the architect into SM?
Here we see our first shot of Andre and Firmin. One has a bad hat, the other a bad haircut. We would like to know what is up with this. They are, after all, a gay couple. They should know better. They look at each other. Gay Moment #1. People scatter backstage, while melodramatic overture continues. Andre and Firmin attempt to be straight with random dancers. We move through the Opera House, getting glimpses of such minor characters as the conductor and greasy Joseph Boquet. Everyone seems to be drunk. Plaster flies as random people work on set. Bad eye make-up in predominant.
Christine Daae and Meg enter separately from the other dancers. This is possibly to comment on the fact that, unlike the rest of the dancers, they are not skanky hos However, we think it is more likely that they were adding to the aura of femslash that surrounds them. Toes are dipped in resin. We get it, they dance.
MEANWHILE (in the 'Lonely Hearts Club' way) Raoul pulls up in his carriage. He is Gay. Very, very Gay. And so is Patrick Wilson. He grins Gayly as his Gay hair blows back from his face, barely brushing the shoulders of his Gay leather overcoat...and all this adds up to Gay Moment #2. He drives by a poster advertising La Carlotta in 'Hannibal'. This poster fades to Minnie Driver, ostensibly playing La Carlotta. She is singing. Badly. thainoodles would like to add that La Carlotta is, in fact, not supposed to be a bad singer, just a bitch to put up with. Like Emmy Rossum.
thainoodles: What is she HOLDING?
bald_stoic: It appears to be a severed head. Notwithstanding the orange blood, of course.
thainoodles: Well, it's NOT.
La Carlotta tosses the severed head. Chorus enters and rampant chest beating ensues. Raoul enters stable to what thainoodles terms "romp music". We wonder why the Viscount of Chagny doesn't have someone else driving his carriage.
thainoodles: Maybe his last driver sued for sexual harassment.
bald_stoic: And that was the fifth one this year...
Andre and Firmin greet Raoul. Gay men's convention ensues as together they enter the Opera House. Piangi enters, fat, gay, and horribly costumed, like the rest of the cast of Hannibal, in garish shades of blue and orange. He begins to sing. Miranda Richardson is stretching, seeming to suggest that Madame Giry still dances. This is utter crap. It's ok, though, because this gives the audience a chance to admire her beauty and tasteful personal style. Ex-owner of the Opera Populaire hands over the reins, so to speak, to Andre and Firmin. He announces that he is moving to Australia. We consider this to be a wise move and hope fervently that he will not be eaten by dingos.
thainoodles wishes to point out that Raoul is supposed to notice Christine before she notices him. Raoul, oblivious, struts on Gayly. We are told that he is the new patron.
Christine says lovingly that he used to call her "Little Lotte". thainoodles thinks that this is a horrible name to call a child. On second thought, maybe she deserves it. La Carlotta sashays over to Raoul who clearly has no idea of what to do with a woman. Actually, once he seems to notice that she looks like a drag queen, he seems more at ease.
He walks straight past Christine, not noticing her. Christine seems he upset that he didn't. Meg quite rightly points out that he didn't see her. Here we learn that Christine Daae is the daughter of a famous Swedish violinist. This s not random at all. She is apparently promising. Andre and Firmin, draped in chains, smirk at each other. Gay Moment #3. Extravagant scene staggers to a close. It will clearly need more rehearsal time. La Carlotta threatens to leave, but is flattered into singing her famous aria, which turns out to be "Think of Me". She is still quite bad.
First glimpses of the Phantom as he sends curtain crashing down right behind La Carlotta. Several lines, which were supposed to have been sung, pass. They are, consequently, very awkward. Madame Giry, very much into herself, tells Andre and Firmin about the Phantom and his salary. Christine Daae comes to the attention of Andre and Firmin, as a possible replacement for La Carlotta. Christine begins to sing. Everyone immediately falls in love with her and it fades to her singing at the gala in a white dress with ninja throwing stars in her hair.
"Think of Me" continues. Christine looks like one of those wedding Barbies. Meg looks on adoringly. In the depths of the Opera House, Phantom listens adoringly.
Raoul finally notices Christine. He seems surprised. We'd like to point out that this is Act III of the opera Where has he been? Wait, we don't want to know. Anyway, where does this song (and this outfit and the set) fit in with the story of Hannibal? Raoul claps Gayly. Raoul appears elated to have finally found a potential wife that won't care that he's gay, or, at least, will be too stoned to notice. He runs down the stairs of the Opera House Gayly in his Gay clothing with his Gay hair. The utter Gay-ness of Raoul makes this Gay Moment #4.
Christine engages in random vocalizing. Unlike the audience in the Opera House, we are not impressed. More drunken chorus members. The gala appears to have been a success. La Carlotta receives the news and does not take it well, biting her knuckles and fainting. Random people making out backstage. Meg runs about in search of Christine. Christine is the Chapel (WTF? A Chapel? In an Opera House?), looking angstily at a picture of her late and (very Gay) father, Gustave Daae. We understand everything now. Christine looks stoned. We hear the Phantom for the first time. thainoodles has a Gerard- gasm On the screen, Meg has a Christine-gasm.
Uber-dramatic flashback of a young (and squat and ugly) Christine being brought to the Opera House after the death of her father. This is when she first hears her 'Angel of Music'.
thainoodles: This flashback makes the Phantom seem like a pedophile.
Christine explains about the Angel of Music. Both in speech and in song. Meg watches, occasionally observing that Christine appears to be tripping on acid. Christine and Meg walk together, hand-in-hand, Sarah Brightman's voice thunders over them. Madame Giry gives Christine a single dark red rose, with the message that 'He is pleased with you'. Raoul attempts to insinuate himself into Christine's good graces. Christine falls for it, but continues to appear to be on acid. Raoul looks mildly disturbed about the whole 'Angel of Music' business. Raoul wants to take Christine to supper. Christine says that the Angel is very strict. Raoul says he won't keep her late. Hmmmmm. We wonder why. Actually, no we don't.
Phantom's sexy glove makes first real appearance. Opera House darkens. Andre and Firmin walk home together. Gay Moment #5. All the candles inexplicably go out.
Christine, locked into her dressing room by the Phantom, now hears his voice. The Phantom calls Raoul and "insolent boy" and a "slave of fashion". We think this is very interesting in light of the last 10 minutes of the movie.
Anyway. Christine sings back to her Angel. She asks forgiveness for her spending 2 minutes with Raoul. Phantom tells Christine to come to him through the mirror. Apparently in a trance, Christine moves to the mirror. Encountering the locked door, Raoul hears the Phantom and demands to know whose voice he hears. Only then does he think to wonder if Christine might be in danger. Our first glimpse of Gerard's eyes. thainoodles has another Gerard-gasm. Christine, looking stoned, and Phantom join hands as first chords of 'Phantom of the Opera' sound. As he leads her down a creepy, candle-lined corridor, the Phantom appears to be wearing a dress. Fortunately, upon closer inspection, it is, in fact, the lining of his cape.
thainoodles: Speaking of clothing, I want all the clothing she wears.
bald_stoic: I want all the clothing he wears. Raoul's as well.
thainoodles: Wow, bald_stoic.
Much singing. Look up the lyrics for full details. There is a random horse waiting. Having seen the original silent movie, this now makes sense. They then get into the famous boat. The one that glides through the smoke-machine produced mist. More candles. Christine now looks both stoned and crazy as her hair the steals the scene. Creepy 'sing my angel' and weird vocalizing bit commences. Lighted candles rise from the water. WTF? thainoodles suffers another massive Gerard-gasm as the Phantom whips off his cloak and explains to Christine in vague and mysterious terms why he's brought her to his cave. In full-on sultry mode he leads her out of the boat. Christine now appears to be having a Phantom-gasm. It's kind of creepy. He continues to lead her while extolling the virtues of the 'Music of the Night'.
bald_stoic: I like his waistcoat.
thainoodles: Yeah, you would.
Phantom starts to show creepy, possessive tendencies, as he caresses Christine's corset. Christine is all drugged smiles until she sees her look-alike wax figure. Then, she faints. Phantom puts her to bed, strokes her cheek, and draws the curtain. Fade to black.
Meg walks into Christine's dressing room, looking for Christine. She sees the open mirror, and begins to investigate. As she starts down the corridor, she is frightened by rats, and pulled back by Madame Giry. Cut to Joseph Boquet, greasy as ever, terrifies a group of chorus girls by describing the Phantom, sans mask. We later see that his description is complete bullshit. Madame Giry chides and warns him about the Phantom's magical Punjab lasso. Foreshadow much? Cut to monkey music box, Christine, waking up, trying to remember the events of the previous night. She sees the Phantom at the organ in an open shirt. thainoodles has yet another Gerard-gasm. Christine, like an idiot, pulls off his mask without even saying 'Good morning'. She sees his face. Phantom freaks. bald_stoic lusts after Phantom's dressing gown as Christine and thainoodles weep over the Phantom's sob story. After the Phantom's mask is returned, he pulls himself together and decides to return his borrowed dancer/singer.
As we cut to a completely pointless section of the movie, shot again in the faux-old and grainy film, old Raoul drives away from old Meg. There is really no point to this.
Gay strutting music as Andre sweeps into the Opera House, wondering about the mystery of Christine's disappearance. Firmin runs in, short, Gay, and agitated. They read the Phantom's first letter, congratulating them on the gala, Christine's performance, and asking rather politely for his salary.
Raoul enters with a letter of his own. He is worried about Christine. La Carlotta then enters with a letter she thinks Raoul has written to her, which basically tells her that she's an old hag and on her way out. Again, the Phantom. More letters, more requests for Christine to be placed in the starring role, more demands for salary. Phantom's hot (literally) sealing wax and nifty O.G. skull seal are seen. In an attempt to placate La Carlotta who is extremely put out by the letters, Andre and Firmin promise her the leading role in 'Il Muto' and sing 'Prima Donna", which is, in our opinion, a completely useless song. Various La Carlotta flattery ensues. Food doesn't work. Jewels and dogs do. Raoul muses Gayly about Christine's Angel. Not Christine. The Angel she spoke of. The chorus, revealing their naïveté, believes that Christine has slept with Raoul.
Cut to the performance of 'Il Muto'. Close-up of Phantom's hand switching La Carlotta's throat spray. Performance continues.
Phantom appears ominously on the catwalk-like thing, and wanders about. Phantom then loudly protests that Box 5 is not empty. In fact, Raoul is currently occupying Box 5 and seems somewhat attracted to Christine...oh wait, she's dressed like a boy. Gay Moment #6.
Perhaps if the Phantom actually ventured into Box 5, he would not be so displeased.
The switched throat spray causes La Carlotta to sound like a frog. We are then informed that Miss Daae will be taking over for La Carlotta after an impromptu intermission. Everyone fumbles about, as random pastoral dancers are sent on.
Greasy Joseph Boquet investigates backstage. Think this is a bad idea. We are proved right by the Phantom attacking him and hanging him from the rafters. Murder in the Opera House! Scandal! Fear!
It is at this moment that Christine decides to drag Raoul up to the roof. Rather than being thrilled at the prospect of getting some action, Raoul wonders why Christine has brought him there. Gay Moment #7. Nonsensical lyrics follow, culminating with:
Christine: My god who is this man?
Raoul: My god who is this man?
Christine: Who hunts to kill.
Raoul: This mask of death.
thainoodles: My god who is this man?
bald_stoic: Who can't write songs.
They continue up the superfluously spiraled staircase, finally reaching the roof.
bald_stoic: Let's sing at the top of our voices about our fears, our love, and our PLANS.
thainoodles: Stop making fun of them bald_stoic, it's not their fault they're stupid.
bald_stoic: *muttering* Highly illogical. *growl*
thainoodles: I realize that, but then there would be no rest of the play You do want to see the pretty Raoul get drenched in water, don't you?
bald_stoic: I suppose.
And now...The Most Platonic Love Song Ever.
But first, Christine must sing of her fear of/fascination with the Phantom. Raoul looks intrigued and gets her to sing more about this mysterious (and hot) man. The Phantom, is of course, listening. Behind the butt of the statue of a horse.
thainoodles: How romantic.
The Phantom seems to have no emotional response during Christine musical whine-fest. When Raoul begins to sing, however, he turns his head. We call this Gay Moment #8.
Raoul takes Christine in his arms while searching the rooftop longingly for signs of the Phantom. He makes as little contact as humanly possibly. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Gay Moment #9. We would also like to point out that he rolls his eyes and then closes them, possibly bracing himself for all the romantic bullshit he's going to have to feed her.
In his hiding place, the Phantom engages in impressive male bosom-heaving while listening much more intently. Gay Moment #10.
Christine advances on Raoul, who backs away in terror, then recollects herself and sings to her in a very brotherly fashion. Phantom watches them. thainoodles watches Phantom.
Phantom appears shocked as he realizes that it isn't Raoul he's jealous of. Raoul awkwardly embraces Christine as she gushes and he fantasizes about the Phantom. Gay Moment #11.
bald_stoic: Do you notice that Raoul is looking over Christine head?
thainoodles: Do you notice that Christine is oblivious?
bald_stoic: Well, they do say that women go in for men like their fathers.
thainoodles: But Raoul's not a Swedish vi...oh.
Raoul swallows hard as Christine turns to face him. thainoodles notes that Raoul has managed to get through the entire song without actually saying that he loves her. A very chaste kiss follows. The Phantom looks both crushed and a little confused from behind his horse butt. Gay Moment #12. Christine moves in for a much more aggressive kiss. Raoul solves this problem by twirling her around in mid-air, thus breaking all oral contact. They then kiss again, Raoul leading this time.
thainoodles: Practicing for the Phantom are we, Raoul?
He then breaks the kiss to finish singing, which, of course, is much more important than kissing After all, what's a better way to prove you're in love with someone than to sing the lines they just told you back at them? Raoul professes his love for Christine...as his fag hag. They then exit. The Phantom picks up Christine's discarded rose. His hands tremble and he looks teary. Truly, a performance worthy of a Bollywood male. thainoodles leaves the room, distraught at the Phantom's distress.
bald_stoic: Uh...thainoodles? Come back...I don't think that's crying.
thainoodles: Oh my god! He's having a Raoul-gasm.
bald_stoic: And a good cry over Christine. Poor little mixed-up Phantom.
thainoodles: He doesn't look mixed-up to me. I say Gay Moment #13.
Phantom crushes rose for no apparent reason. Probably just because it looks pretty against the snow.
Phantom: You will curse the day you did not do all that the Phantom asked of you!
thainoodles: Who's he talking to?
bald_stoic: Good question.
The Phantom is Scottish and windswept. We wonder how he ended up in Paris. More grainy 1909 footage. Old Raoul looks wistfully at a young man and woman...well, more just the young man. Raoul then focuses on the shiny things in the window Christine was apparently not that important.
thainoodles: What are these costumes? Horny bastard and cock?
thainoodles: I was talking about the bird...I think.
Gay Moment #14!
Useless Song #2 proceeds. It is pointless, but there is some kick-ass dancing. And really Gay hand motions that appear to have been choreographed by bald_stoic.
Cut to Christine and Raoul speaking words they really should be singing. Raoul, wearing a pretty hair ribbon and very tight pants, wants to flaunt their engagement. Christine doesn't.
thainoodles: Maybe Christine is on to Raoul?
bald_stoic: He does seem very eager to let the whole world know that he's getting married.
They dance. Everyone dances. Lowlifes get drunk in the back rooms. And grope one another.
Triumphant music as Raoul kisses Christine publicly, thus proving that he must be straight. Kick-ass fan dance.
Phantom enters wearing the hottest suit known to mankind.
bald_stoic: That's right. Mankind.
thainoodles would reply, but is rendered mute by the hot-ness of Gerard Butler in red velvet.
bald_stoic: Wait until 'Point of No Return'.
Raoul, having actually seen the Phantom for the first time, is, like thainoodles, quite enamored. And that's putting it mildly. As the Phantom draws his sword and throws down his original script and score (with which he hopes to capture a couple of Tonys), Raoul looks increasingly hot and bothered. To cover for Gay Moment #15, he touches Christine on the arm and flees to collect himself.
thainoodles: Oh yes. Raoul appreciates a man who knows how to handle his...sword.
bald_stoic: That was the best flustered look I've seen in a long time.
thainoodles: Well, it was authentic. Patrick Wilson and all.
bald_stoic: I think the Phantom's pleased with the effect his entrance had.
Phantom gives notes to everyone.
bald_stoic: God, he'd be a bitch to have as a director.
As Christine and Phantom share strange moment along the lines of "oh shit, my love interests are marrying each other", Raoul runs down a corridor fixing his belt.
thainoodles: Apparently he was more hot and bothered than we thought.
bald_stoic: I think that would be Gay Moment #16.
Phantom disappears amongst flames. Raoul dashes after him, sword drawn. Gay Moment #17.
thainoodles: I have a sword too! Maybe we can...have a duel.
bald_stoic: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, know what I mean?
The two men enjoy their very Gay 5 or so seconds in a room full of twirling mirrors. A noose drops from the ceiling.
thainoodles: Looks like the Phantom is kinkier than we thought.
Madame Giry pulls him out o his Gay love trance and tells him the pathos-filled story of the Phantom. Yada yada, Madame Giry, yada yada, Phantom!child, yada yada...we don't care. Long story short, he's now the Phantom, and according to Madame Giry, a genius.
Raoul: But clearly, Madame Giry, genius has turned to madness.
thainoodles and bald_stoic: Yeah, we know you like it.
More old Raoul, this time watching a stag. Random at all?
Random snapshots of life in the Opera House.
thainoodles: Like sands through the hourglass, these are the Days of Our...oh wait, this is Phantom, and not a soap opera.
bald_stoic: Those last few frames could have fooled me.
Raoul sleeps Gayly outside Christine's room.
thainoodles: Wow, you've been engaged for how long and you're not sleeping together? She is a 19th-century opera singer after all.
Christine decides to go to the cemetery Alone. Good idea since there's a crazed murderer after her. Dramatic music as Phantom knocks out driver and takes his place. The suddenly heavily shrouded driver arouses no suspicion in Christine. She orders him to take her to her father's grave. Apparently everyone should know where this is. Raoul, now awake, leaps Gayly down the stairs, but is too late. Raoul again leaps Gayly, this time onto a horse, and takes off in hot pursuit.
bald_stoic: Good job, Patrick Wilson's stunt double.
thainoodles: Apparently he too is gay.
Arriving in the cemetery, we see a shot of the Phantom in his mask. We get it. Christine sings. Boo-hoo, Daddy's dead, you're psychotic, end of story. Phantom, unseen, starts singing. Gratuitous bosom-heaving on Christine's part. Keeping in form with her actions up until this point, Christine prepares to walk into what appears to be the mouth of hell. However, she is stopped by Raoul, Swords are drawn, and Raoul finally get his duel. And yes, it is an actual duel. Still, we don't want to know how much they're both enjoying this. After a short, uber-dramatic fight scene, the Phantom falls. Christine, finally having found the part of her brain that controls her vocal chords, yells at Raoul to stop. Raoul, looking remarkably like a woman, stops, realizing that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to kill the love of his life. The Phantom looking almost as crazy as L&O: SVU's Elliot Stabler, glances around, chest heaving. We are not exactly sure what they were hoping to achieve by this. The Phantom, still getting up from the ground, looks at retreating Raoul hungrily. Gay Moment #18.
thainoodles: It seems that he too can appreciate a man who knows how to handle a-
thainoodles: Right. A sword.
The Phantom, obviously frustrated (insert suggestive cough here), vows war upon both Christine and Raoul. Gayly, he swirls his cape and is gone.
Raoul, back in his Gay leather overcoat, plots with Andre and Firmin to ensnare the Phantom. Loudly. If these plans were supposed to be secret, they're not any longer. Also, adding to the general air of subtlety, the police make a grand entrance into the Opera House.
The Phantom, being blessed with eyes and ears as well as a brain to utilize them properly, knows the plan, and is, of course, a step ahead.
Raoul goes into the chapel hoping to find the Phantom However, it is only Christine, who begs him not to put her through "this ordeal by fire".
thainoodles: Okay, what moron decided it would be a GOOD idea to turn a bunch of sung couplets into spoken lines?
Raoul, like the good brotherly fiancée that he is, comforts Christine. To Dramatic Music, they...hug.
Phantom's musical is strange and dissonant. Either he's avant garde, or he has absolutely no talent. Phantom kills Piangi and gets himself on stage. Here you'll have to consult the movie itself, as thainoodles is currently having an extreme Gerard-gasm and is absolutely useless. bald_stoic, having thrown up her hands in despair, enjoys the Gay back-up dancers and the extremely hot and bothered look on Raoul's face and the momentary Raoul/Phantom eye contact. Gay Moment #19.
bald_stoic: When your supposed arch-nemesis is making out with your girlfriend aren't you supposed to look upset/furious rather than tearful/lustful?
thainoodles: Not if your arch-nemesis is also your love interest.
Phantom's mask is ripped off. Everyone gasps in horror, except for Raoul and Christine.
thainoodles and bald_stoic: IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
Phantom drags Christine off stage and into the dungeons after bringing down chandelier and setting the Opera House alight. Madame Giry shows Raoul the way to the dungeons. Raoul strips as he races after the Phantom, er...Christine. Ah, who are we kidding. Raoul then falls through a trap door into a...
bald_stoic: To what exactly?
thainoodles: No idea, but it's full of water and it makes me miss Ledoux.
bald_stoic: Me too.
Somehow, he gets himself out. We don't really care how, we just want to see how pretty he looks when he's all wet.
bald_stoic: 5-2 that the Phantom the Phantom will love it as well.
thainoodles: Don't you think those odds are a little low?
Thinking that he's lost Raoul, the Phantom puts wedding finery on Christine. He looks rather sorrowful. Raoul shows up.
Phantom: This is indeed an unparalleled delight. I rather hoped that you would come.
thainoodles: Double meaning much?
bald_stoic: That's...um...quite some freeze frame.
And that was Gay Moment #20.
Phantom: And now my wish comes true, you have truly made my night
(For the sake of the numbers, we're going to tack that on to #20.)
(Editor's Note: Thank you.)
To further impress the Phantom, Raoul puts on his 'man-hero' voice and tells the Phantom to "do what you like", only free Christine. Christine is rather an afterthought here. The Phantom turns away in pain as Raoul declares that he loves Christine.
thainoodles: Oh, come on the Phantom can't honestly believe after all of this that Raoul loves a woman like THAT!
The Phantom lets Raoul in and begins with SM worthy of the architects who designed the Opera House. Christine, seems to finally get it, gasps in horror.
bald_stoic: I wish you could see the freeze-frame right now.
thainoodles: LOOK CHRISTINE FOUND THE REST OF HER BRAIN!
The Phantom seems to be on a vengeful rampage against Raoul.
bald_stoic: Possibly for his declaration of love for Christine.
thainoodles: See what happens when you don't choose your words carefully! People feelings get hurt!
Christine proceeds to babble on about hating the Phantom. Raoul looks confused and hurt. Raoul begs for Christine's forgiveness. It's okay, Raoul. We all thought she got it after the platonic love song.
bald_stoic: And now we proceed to the gay singing duet of death.
thainoodles: Yeah Christine really goes out of the picture entirely here.
Raoul: Say you love him and my life is over, for either way you choose he has to win.
Phantom: No point in cries for help. No point deciding. For either way you choose you cannot win. So do you end your days with me or do you send him to his grave.
Raoul: Why make her lie to you to save me?
thainoodles: Take this as a lesson in word clarity.
We'd like to note the proximity of the Phantom to Raoul here.
Raoul: Don't throw your LIFE away for my sake!
bald_stoic: Phantom! Life was the safe word! LIFE! LIFE!
thainoodles: Oh no, this is turning into one of those tragic fetish accidents!
Phantom rambles on incoherently about the choice Christine must make. It seems that the Phantom is unable to choose and has suborned Christine to make the choice for him.
Christine: Angel of Music, you deceived me! I gave you my mind blindly.
thainoodles: Christine, you can't possibly just assumed that a grown man who writes opera makes sculpture, sews and lives in a theater would be STRAIGHT! You are a bigger idiot than I took you for.
Poor Raoul by now is incapable of words, the noose being too tight for that. In confusion and desperation, Christine makes out with the Phantom, who tears up, realizing that Christine has helped him choose: he wants Raoul.
thainoodles and bald_stoic: It's ok, honey, so do we.
Another crying scene that Bollywood would proud of.
Phantom: Take her, forget me, forget all of this.
thainoodles and bald_stoic: Wow. Just wow.
Raoul and the Phantom have eye sex one last time, as the Phantom flees. Christine and Raoul hug, leave. The Phantom sits in the back room with his monkey music box, which seems to be his only true friend.
thainoodles now, as she always does, rants at the utter uselessness of this scene, in which Christine returns and gives the Phantom back his ring.
thainoodles: Evil, cold-hearted, fucking bitch.
bald_stoic: Well, since she didn't go with him, she'll now be sleeping alone.
thainoodles: Good! That's what she gets. Fucking bitch.
thainoodles is depressed over the Phantom's fate. bald_stoic is not, as she fails to see why anyone in their right mind would want to spend their life with Christine.
Meg appears all hopeful, looking like a boy, but Christine is already gone. Holding the Phantom's mask, she feels his pain.
Fade to the grainy black-and-white-ness. We are still following old Raoul. He enters the cemetery and lays the monkey music box at CHRISTINE'S GRAVE. Shock of shocks. Raoul notices that there is a fresh dark red rose resting on her grave. Apparently the Phantom has been here. Raoul looks up hopefully but sees nothing. The rose goes through a few funky transformations and eventually fades to black.
Andrew Lloyd Weber and Joel Schumacher. Wow, that's lethal.
(Editor's Note: Not as lethal as editing this recap. Well done, ladies, well done.)