||[Aug. 16th, 2005|01:08 pm]
Movies Without Mercy
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V-STAR'S NOTES: So, this recap is no ordinary recap. That is to say, it was originally transcribed by hand, mostly by the lovely bald_stoic whilst we partook in this movie on her DVD player when I was visiting her in Boston. So yes, we actually wrote this joint recap TOGETHER. We kept track of the gay moments using a pink Prismacolor marker. Also, it's worth noting that the awesome thainoodles, otherwise known as "Meggy", joined us about halfway through the movie in order to help us survive the gayness. bald_stoic typed this up, and shoorihoshi (that's me) edited the CRAP out of it for Livejournal.
WARNING: THIS MOVIE IS GAY. VERY VERY GAY. AND NO, WE'RE NOT BEING PREDJUDICE FUCKS BY SAYING THAT. WE REALLY MEAN IT, IN THE TOTAL GERTRUDE STEIN IN A PINK DRESS WITH FLAMING SLITS GOING UP THE SIDES WAY. IT'S GAY.
We open on Warner Brothers telling us that they're Warner Brothers 3,600 times. Actually, just twice, but it still comes off as greedy and pretentious. This quickly morphs into the Bat logo, which is actually a pretty fucking awesome special effect, but the awesome is killed off by yet a 3rd Warner Bros title card presenting "BATMAN FOREVER". Cast and crew names flash by, and while Val Kilmer is present, we don't care.
bald_stoic: Look at all the pretty colours swooping about the screen! Purple! Green! Orange!
And then we fade to yet another Bat signal. BATMAN FOREVER. Word, yo.
The actual "story" starts with Bruce suiting up. Great crotch shot on the part of Val Kilmer, which, let's face it, is all he's really good for. Because this is the nineties, the Bat-logo still has yellow around it.
shoorihoshi: The yellow is worse than the Bat nipples.
Batman reaches onto a table of weaponry and selects several instruments. The doors to the cave slide open and the misplaced, poorly timed text reminds us that the BATMAN characters are "based upon magazines published by DC Comics." The fact that they say "magazines" is probably beside the point given that COMICS is literally it's namesake. Batman exits, Bat ears and all. Batman approaches the Batmobile.
bald_stoic: It has a fin! WTH?!
shoorihoshi: Who put smoke machines in the Batcave? It's creepy enough already- it has a depressed billionaire with a father complex.
Camera winds out to give us a shot of the car. It's pretty sexy, but a bit too ridgy for our taste. The camera just as quickly closes in on Batman. Something about the lighting in this shot makes it look like Bats has white Dave Chapelle crack-lips. It's still kinda badass, but dude, we get it, he's Batman.
shoorihoshi: Whoever edited this must have been in constant pain.
Alfred appears, actually looking too old, and asks if he can persuade the master to take a sandwich along for the ride In his constipated Batvoice, Val Kilmer states that he'll "get drive thru". Pity the fast food attendant who takes his order. The Batmobile revs, the Bat theme plays, and Val Kilmer's lips appear to contain 3 pounds of collagen.
bald_stoic: Those lips should be separately credited.
shoorihoshi: I wonder if he has names for them, like, "Thing One" and "Thing Two". Or maybe, "Beebee" and "Cecil".
There's a close-up of the Bat logo on the Bat tire, and in case you weren't sure, yeah, he's Batman.
Car: I'm the Batmobile.
shoorihoshi and bald_stoic: We KNOW!!!
The Batmobile exits through a forest, leaves rustle, trees move, yada, yada. We enter a city: Gotham, for those of you still paying attention. Bat-theme continues to play. The Gotham Fire dept. has it's work cut out. Close up of a flipping coin in slow motion: one side scratched out, the other is pristine. The coin lands in the pale, over-made up palm of the hand that first flipped it. Tommy Lee Jones' profile- the not-gross side. On the floor lies a security guard. He is Movie-fat (TM). Presumably, since the villain is Two-face, which we seem to have somehow figured out, he will flip the coin to decide the fate of the sorry-ass security guard. Close-up of Tommy Lee's shoes. The pant leg facing us is black, the other is festooned with an ugly magenta tiger print, the likes of which has never been seen outside LA.
shoorihoshi: I wonder if it's Two-face.
bald_stoic: Whatever gave you that idea?
Two-face mutters BS about corrupt society. shoorihoshi and bald_stoic fail to care. The security guard starts to fear for more than his life as his chest is repeatedly tapped by Two-Face.
shoorihoshi: Dude, if I were the security guard I wouldn't want my wife to see that. Then again, he's Movie-fat (TM), so I doubt he's married.
As Two-face shouts some more BS, this time bout luck, the camera allows us to see the purple side of his face. shoorihoshi and bald_stoic fail to cringe as they feel that the prosthetics man should currently be facing a firing squad.
shoorihoshi: Dude, this is so gay.
bald_stoic: Wait until we see him with Edward.
shoorihoshi: This is Gay Moment # 1.
bald_stoic: We should keep a running tally.
Coin is flipped, head comes up, Guard lives. Tommy Lee really acted the pants off of that scene, but sadly, it still sucks. Two-Face minions enter. For some reason they are wearing Mexican wrestling masks. They seize the hapless guard, who protests . Two-Face says that the guard will live- as his Bat bait.
bald_stoic: How wrong did that just sound.
shoorihoshi: Not as wrong as Richard Grayson's nickname being "Dick".
Close-up of anxious spectators below, blah, blah, blah, Nicole Kidman. Bat signal. Batman arrives. Another close-up of Nicole Kidman.
bald_stoic: Is that a wig?
shoorihoshi: You expected her in a between weave?
bald_stoic: We can always hope.
Of course Batman lands right in front of Nicole. Oh Val, we know you only landed there because they made you. Batman asks where Two-Face is, ignoring Nicole Kidman's attempts to get into his Bat-pants. After some stupid blather, Nicole introduces self as "Chase Meridian", an apparent psychologist.
bald_stoic: Chase Meridian? What kind of a name is that?
shoorihoshi: At least it isn't Vesper Fairchild or Vicki Vale.
Batman reveals he has read his own files on Dr. Meridian. shoorihoshi and bald_stoic wonder why Val Kilmer would have files on this "hot" chick, rather than on her then-husband. Chase makes a comment about being flattered about making a Superhero's night-table.
shoorihoshi: Honey, that's all you're gonna see of his bedroom. Trust me. He doesn't swing that way, even though he comes with a heterosexual power-theme and a grappling hook.
Chase and Bats agree that Two-Face is a SOB, and this would totally be better if Nicole Kidman weren't trying to screw Bats with her eyelashes. Obligatory psychology lesson. Obligatory Batman flying rodent joke. Blah, blah, blah, psychoanalysis, flashbacks. Batman is interesting. We know this. We rented the movie.
bald_stoic: Yuck. Just yuck.
shoorihoshi: Chase is doing her best to fuck him with her eyes. Bats impervious, or rather, Val Kilmer is.
bald_stoic: Hasn't she seen 'Top Gun'?
shoorihoshi: If it even exists in this universe. Which, come to think of it, would make this universe even MORE awesome.
Bats leaves. Wordlessly. Except we see him leave, which fucking ruins it.
Building. Two-Face. Wrecking ball. Sugar glass. Elevator lights up. Two-face sends minions who give elevator lead bath.
shoorihoshi: Macho gunfire much? Why do all these guys have really ugly thighs?
shoorihoshi: Ugly padded thighs.
bald_stoic: I love this movie.
Lead bath complete, light pours through bullet holes. Doors open. Unharmed Bat swoops down. Ass-kickery. Two-Face flees, Bats fights.
shoorihoshi: That laser gun is so Gay Moment #2.
Action, fight, fish cakes.
bald_stoic: The Minions! Look! Gay Moment #3!
Bats finds guard, gets locked in vault with him. Vault shut, Bats releases guard.
Guard: Oh NO!
shoorihoshi and bald_stoic: *hysterical giggles*
shoorihoshi: That guard is so a friend of the producer. He must've had to suck a lot of cock to get into this movie.
bald_stoic: Probably not as much cock as Robin.
shoorhioshi: This is Batman. Nobody has to suck as much cock as Robin.
Vault is yanked out of building by chain way to fucking tiny to hold it. Chain is revealed to be attached to helicopter driven by Two-Face. Two-Faces reels vault up, saying that inside it is everything he ever wanted. Gay Moment #4. Guard describes liquid as "boiling acid". As if plain acid weren't bad enough.
Batman: Hold on.
This is blatantly Gay Moment #5.
Two-Face helicopter. Who drives a helicopter in a wrestling mask?
shoorihoshi: Is that on his driver's license?
Forgetting that the money will dissolve along with Batman, Two-Face hauls the vault away.
shoorihoshi: Does anyone attach vaults to buildings anymore?
bald_stoic: No, those went out of fashion in the High Gothic period.
Batman asks for guard's hand. Guard yells: "Don't let go!" Gay Moment #6.
shoorihoshi: The cock sucking must have been pretty good.
Guard's glasses fall into the acid (boiling). Batman steals Guard's hearing aid, uses it to listen for the combination of the vault as he turns the dial. Boiling acid! BOILING ACID!
Batman opens vault, Two-Face yells Gayly. Batman gets vault back into building, saves day, or night, as the case may be. SWAT team, Chase Meridian rush to scene.
Batman climbs chain to helicopter, Chase watches. Two-Face shakes controls.
bald_stoic: Swishing chain = GAY. Gay Moment #7.
Eye-shaped billboard approaches, helicopter goes through, sugar glass, explosion. Bats is no longer on chain, Two-Face cheers. Bats swings down in front of helicopter for no fucking reason, Two-face fires gun at Batman, kills own pilot. Helicopter swerves, Batman punches through copter window.
shoorihoshi; Doesn't anyone in Gotham make bullet-proof, Bat-proof glass?
Batman tells "Harvey" he needs help. "Harvey" kicks him. Fight ensues. Two-Face locks helicopter wheel, heads for Statue of Liberty, completely ignoring Gotham's true location. Batman enters copter, Two-face escapes by jumping out of helicopter with big gay parachute with a bleeding yin-yang on it. Gay Moment #8. Statue of Liberty doesn't stand a chance. Batman falls into the water. Under-water Bat. Sad theme music. Bats surfaces and shakes his Bat head and sighs his Bat-sigh.
Cut to news reporter telling Gotham that Batman fucked up. But "valiantly" so. She refers to last night's indicent, and "Harvey Two-Face"? Despite his name being "Harvey
Dent" aka "Two-Face". And just in case we really didn't get it. Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne, Wayne Enterprises, blah, blah, blah. Elevator, Bruce Wayne struts, entourage follows. Our first shot of Edward Nygma. Verdict: Gay. Very, very, very Gay. Edward has a Bruce-gasm. Gay Moment #9. Edward chants "winner" mantra, plays with a foreshadowing Riddler bobblehead.
shoorihoshi: He's not a villain yet and he already has merchandising? WTF? Teen Titans didn't even get that kind of turnaround from the toy-people.
Bruce walks Gay, hands-behind-the -back walk. Gay Moment #10. Bruce is wearing glasses. Confusion. Edward approaches and can hardly speak coherently. Gay Moment #11. Nygma mentions that Bruce hired him "personally" despite that they've never met. Gay Moment #12. Edward still hasn't let go of Bruce's Hand. Gay Moment #13. Edward idolizes Bruce, but apparently not his hair. Nygma proposes brain-wave project that brings audiences inside TV shows. It's manipulating. Bruce says no.
Cleans glasses. Gay-ness. Gay Moment #14. Edward says adoringly that Bruce would never need it because he's so "…intelligent…brave…charming". Ladies and gentlemen, Gay Moment #15.
Bruce spots Bat signal outside, cuts off meeting with Edward after Edward pronounces them "two of a kind". Gay Moment #16. Edward wants an answer now, because he's an idiot, and Bruce therefore says no. Bruce leaves. Edward's Gay-gasm is crushed. Bruce was "supposed to understand!" Gay lip-shake. Gay Moment #17. Threat is issued. Bruce struts to interesting music, sits in manly leather chair. Says "chair", and spoils an otherwise extremely heterosexual scene by sliding Gayly through a tunnel.
shoorihoshi: What if he was ever in his office, and like, used "chair" in a sentence in the middle of a business meeting? Does he just have to find creative ways of working around that word? Like, "Have the maintenance man fix that thing that I sit in! It's wheels are squeaky!" Does it never break, or need adjustments? Why do I think of things like this?
Batcave! Bruce strips for Alfred. They're tight like that. Bat-car pulls away. Flames billow out behind it, and are enormous and gay.
Bat theme. Bat signal. Batman. No Commissioner Gordon. One scantily clad Chase Meridian. 2 perpetually hard Bat nipples.
shoorihoshi: It's not you, it's his Batsuit. And the near-constant series of cold fronts coming in from off the coast of Jersey.
Chase states some obvious crap about Two-Face's coin. Batman is annoyed, since "the Bat signal is not a beeper," as he's not a common whore.
shoorihoshi: Beeper! Ha! I miss the nineties.
Chase hits on Bats. Badly. Batman mentions that "chicks love the car."
shoorihoshi: Can I say it?
bald_stoic: Go ahead.
shoorihoshi: On the contrary, Batsie! Chicks dig for worms! Everyone with eyes and a pulse digs the car!
Chase waxes psychotic some more and then grabs at the fake Bat-chest, saying the black rubber turns her on.
bald_stoic: *is sick*
shoorihoshi: *wonders idly if Bats uses black Bat-condoms* It's Kevlar. Didn't any of these writers read the comic books? ...Wait, don't answer that.
Chase wants to see behind the mask. Batman says that "we all wear masks."
shoorihoshi: *hits writers* Open mouth insert foor for Batman. Jesus, the whole Superhero/Mask thing really couldn't be more cliched if it danced around to La Traviata.
bald_stoic: I'd pay to see that.
Bad dialogue continues. Chase removes her coat to show off her breasts, which, according that really terrible photoshoot she did for Vanity Fair a few years back, are not all they're cracked up to be. Batman appraises her. Chase references strong women, and alludes to Catwoman. Bad move.
Batman mentions his lack of luck with women. Well, duh, he's gay. Gay Moment #18. Chase wonders if he just hasn't met the right woman yet, since Bats has basically just come out to her. Badly cast!Commissioner Gordon arrives due to signal. Chase hastily replaces her coat, feeling that non-Bat men should not get a free show. Batman declares it a false alarm, leaves. Chase watches him go.
Batcave. Batman mutters "women" under his Bat-breath, and wonders if perhaps she'll be his fag hag instead. Bat-car flames of gay-ness. Gay Moment #19.
Cut to, Nygma working very late. Experiment! Blowtorch! Sparks! Nygma has copy of "Mrs. Gotham" with Bruce on cover. Gay Moment #20. Come to think of it, Nygma's desk is completely surrounded by pictures of Bruce. Nygma's boss arrives. Edward knocks him out. Boss awakes wearing Gay Blender Hat of Doom. Some fucked-up shit with fish. We don't know. Basically, Edward's evil now. That's like, blender-hat sex. Jim Carrey has conversation with self. Once again. Edward's evil now. We get it. During this is Gay Moment #21. If you don't know why, watch the fucking movie.
The phrase "Demented bizarre unethical toad" is used. WTF? Edward tries to kill boss, eventually succeeds. Nygma wants to put Bruce in his place. Fails to mention what position he was thinking of.
Bruce watches GNN, (because places in New Jersey totally have their own NEWS NETWORKS) About Harvey. In a bathrobe. With Alfred. Alfred tells Bruce about Nygma's boss's "accident". Scene where Bruce learns details of accident. Nygma fakes sorrow. Audience is bored. Security log of boss jumping. Suicide note: "Goodbye Cruel World." Bruce doesn't buy it, because he's Batman. Since the scene of an apparent not-suicide if a great place to talk about your sex life, Bruce is asked who he's taking to the charity circus. Close-up of Riddler symbol. Two aren't related. We don't care. Gay Moment #22.
Riddler package arrives, complete with riddle for Bruce.
shoorihoshi: This is worse than 'Valentine'.
bald_stoic: The poetry certainly is. And isn't Nygma supposed to be smart?
Extremely gay music. Nygma's Lair of Gayness. Nygma's cuts and pastes Riddle clues by hand. Never mind, you know, fingerprinting.
Motorcycle approaches Wayne Manor. Nygma leaves the riddle at gate and leaves. Idiot.
shoorihoshi: Guess slightly reclusive billionaires don't have security camera's on their gates. Because a fence that a twelve year old with enough initiative could climb? That's good enough for Batman, the most paranoid member of the Justice League.
Bruce arrives at Chase Meridian's office. Gayly. There are sounds of either an orgasm or a scuffle from behind Chase's gigantic door. Or, possibly both. Not believing in the Female Orgasm, Bruce tries the door. (Mullet, Bruce, mullet.) Bruce knocks door down. Chase is punching a punching bag. Bruce has gay hair! Chase makes some crappy comment that makes whole incident seem like Bruce's fault. Bruce shows her his "love letter" from Nygma, and HE called it that, not us. Gay Moment #23. Apparently no one has ever told Chase that turtlenecks are gay. From two letters, no more than two sentences each, Dr. Chase Meridian deduces "homicidal tendencies." Yeah, sure. Nygma's "obsessed" with Bruce and needs to "purge" his fixation. Gay Moment #24.
shoorihoshi: If by "purge" you mean "masturbate to every magazine cover, article, or piece of paper about him that I can find".
Bruce: To kill me.
shoorihoshi: If you interpret it as the Shakespearean "die".
Rorschach blot of gayness. Bruce sees a bat. Then there's some really crappy crap about a doll, which is a "Malaysian dream warden", which apparently "some cultures" think protects you in your dreams yada, yada, yada.
bald_stoic: Some cultures? Like...say...Malaysian ones?
The obvious two-tone colors of doll remind Bruce of Harvey, and despite Val's lack of expression, Chase remarks that Bruce looks sad. Bruce tries to hit on Chase. Invites her to circus, which is so fucking romantic, as we all know. Gay circus music. Gay drum pounding by muscular gay circus man in gay pants. Ringmaster crap. Bruce is hounded by press. They love Chase because she photographs well. Nygma watches GNN, spits at Bruce.
shoorihoshi: What's the matter Nygma? Don't you like to swallow?
Ringmaster introduces Flying Graysons. It really is who you think it is. Family of 4, all wearing red, yellow, green costumes.
shoorihoshi: Gee, I wonder what that alludes to.
shoorihoshi: So Slash is our religion, and Batman is our mecca.
Graysons swing in gay tights. Gratuitous gay ass shots! The audience is impressed. Bruce is stone-faced. Chase is stoned. Slow-motion of Chris O'Donnell's ass. Bruce grins. To cover for Gay Moment #25, Bruce invites Chase to go rock-climbing. Chase reveals that she's met someone. Don't worry, he's gay. Bruce mentions Chase's sluttiness. Chase mentions that her man just dropped out of the sky. Not so much dropped as swung. Dumb bitch.
Richard, the youngest Flying Grayson, will perform Death Drop without a net. Thunderous applause. Down below, the ringmaster is dragged away by wrestle-masked minions. Chris O'Donnell has stuffed his tights. Another Gay somersault in mid-air. Gay Moment #26. Our future Robin is caught one-handed by his father. Chase loves it.
Tommy Lee Jones is the new ringmaster. No one but Bruce, in a crowd of at least a thousand people notices. Two-Face. People scream. Minions. Glow-sticks. Guns. Nygma watching TV. Nearly has orgasm. Gay Moment #26. Gay bombing plan, which is total BS. Harvey notices what no one ever seems to figure out. Batman is likeliest one of the wealthiest people in Gotham and thus is in the room. Val emotes with his eyes. Bruce Wayne stands up to announce that he is Spartacus, er…Batman. But no one hears him due to shrieking. Chase should have gotten that. As she didn't, she is stoned. Bruce leaves, and knocks out a guard. The Graysons elect Dick, the youngest, to go help.
shoorihoshi: And here we have the part that SERIOUSLY undermines the whole secret identity thing: BRUCE WAYNE KICKING ASS IN PUBLIC. Might as well put a Bat-signal on his chest. Seriously. Also, the Graysons just sent their youngest son to go disarm a bomb. Clearly, they deserve to die.
The Graysons climb. Gayly. Harvey sends minions to wreak more havoc, Nygma loves it. Chris O'Donnel has a nice ass. Gay Moment #28. Bruce actually swings down from above to knock two minions down by kicking them. Is there anyone in the known universe who has not yet realized that he is Batman? They all must be as stoned as Chase. Graysons climb to dismantle the bomb. Bruce does lousey kick. Two-Face shoots, Graysons fall. Bomb still ticking. Two-Face escapes through trap-door.
Bruce appears to be having a flashback.
Dick rolls bomb out into water, where it explodes. Props to special effects people. Dead Graysons. Dick sees dead family. Bruce sees Dick. Dick is gasping heavily in following shot. Bruce bows head. People circle around the dead bodies. People are fucking sick.
Bruce's Gay limo, followed by gay motorcycle. Wayne Manor of Gayness.
Bruce enters courtyard. Has conversation with Commissioner Gordon about "taking Dick in". Which sounds really, really bad if you read it aloud, which we just did. Dick apparently hasn't slept or eaten, but is able to drive a motorcycle with sufficient skill. Bruce realizes Dick must have many other talents. Bruce shows Dick in. Alfred introduces self to Dick, who calls him "Al". This is not funny or even right. Bruce says there's a room prepared for Dick upstairs, but wonders if he'd like something to eat first. Bamp-chicka-bamp-bamp. Gay Moment #29. Dick decides to leave. Bruce does not like this thought and follows Dick outside. Bruce mentions that Dick has nowhere to go and that the circus must be "halfway to Metropolis by now".
bald_stoic: "And I'm not letting Clark get this one."
shoorihoshi: "Superman? What is one of my Robins doing in Metropolis and why is he naked?"
Dick says, so nonchalantly that shoorihoshi wants to smack Chris O'Donnell, that he's going to kill Two-Face. Dick revs his motorcycle, and tells Bruce off. Bruce stares at Dick's ass. Gay Moment #30. Bruce complements Dick's bike. Dick asks sarcastically if Bruce spends a lot of time in biker bars. Bruce is contemplative silence indicates that he has, although not so much the bars as their bathrooms, on his knees. Gay Moment #31.
Bruce mentions that Dick's bike is almost on empty and that he should fill it up in the garage. This makes Gay Moment #32. We shouldn't have to tell you why. Dick revs engine again, turns slowly. Bruce shows Dick into the garage, which is full of awesome old cars. To your left, motorcycles. Blah, blah, blah, motorcycles banter. Bruce offers Dick the chance to fix a really awesome bike and then keep it. There are no words. Gay Moment #33. Look crosses Dick's face. Bruce holds out his hand. They shakes. Alfred says he will throw away awesome food. Dick looks up, tells him to wait. Swoot.
Angsty music as Bruce paces and stares at a picture. Obligatory parent death scene which Val relives expressionlessly. Bruce blinks to shut out the pain.
bald_stoic: *feels sorry for any kid who could grow up to be Val Kilmer*
Bruce whispers that the death of Dick's parents reminds him of the death of his own parents, which we totally couldn't have figured out by the blue montage. Bruce hints (again) that he killed his parents, which he didn't. Alfred looks on, very much wanting Bruce to shut the hell up for once. Yes, we get it. Bruce blames himself for his parents' death. We get it. Duh. Alfred is behaving as if this surprises him. Val looks up. BAT SIGNAL! Bruce asks Alfred to "take care of the kid". This is the next Gay Moment. #34. Because 20-year-old, Olympic-quality athletes totally need to be "taken care of" by ancient butlers.
Meanwhile. Chris O'Donnell angst.
shoorihoshi: Pore refiner!
Alfred offers to help "Master Grayson" settle in, which is, quite frankly, a real step up from "Master Dick". Dick says he won't be staying long.
shoorihoshi: Bruce doesn't like one-minute men.
Alfred notices the Robin on Dick's helmet. Dick waxes poetic about saving brother's life when his line snapped. We are told he "flew in like a Robin". Gay Moment #35 because we get our first really good shot of Dick's earring. Alfred says more crap about how he can really tell Dick is a hero. It's crap. You know it, we know, the American people know it. And so does Bob Dole.
bald_stoic and shoorihoshi: Bob Dole...should NOT play Batman.
Dick picks up Gay costume of Circus-dom. For some reason he gives it to Alfred, saying he won't need it anymore. Alfred puts costume away, fires off more crap, this time about broken wings mending. Alfred promises Robin will fly again. Dick angsts.
Flaming Bat-car of gay-ness. Bat theme. Val Kilmer manages to make driving look gay. Gay Moment #36. A car follows Bat-car. They both are going about 20 mph.
bald_stoic: Didn't I see this clip in Driver's Ed? Such cautious, perfect driving!
Thug with ugly finger-less gloves and wrestling mask finger-fucks steering wheel. Gay Moment #37. Two-Face is disguised as an old woman pushing baby carriage. WTF?! Two-face rips off dress (?) fires off very gay missile. Missile blows up Two-Face's goons' car. Bye, finger-fucker! Flames! Two-Face cries Gayly into gun. Dare we say it? Gay Moment #38. Many cars. Bad chase-scene music. Bat-car revs up after Batman pulls only lever that actually seems to do anything. Two-Face furious, throws gun at Batmobile, obligatory firing of guns at Bat-car. Bat-car is still fucking bullet-proof as far as we know. Ugly grey car pulls up next to Two-Face, knocking over baby carriage. Two-Face gets in. Bullets bounce off of Bat-car. Bat-car speeds up yet again. Random Gotham statuary. Cars chase Batmobile into a dead-end alley. Batman launches grappling hook, which wraps around extremely plastic gargoyle. Bat-car climbs wall.
Paris Hilton: That's hot.
Two-Face is foiled. Typing. Head being super-imposed over picture of Michelangelo's David. Nygma searches for the perfect matching name and outfit. Gamester, Puzzler, and Captain Kill are all rejected.
(thainoodles now joins us.)
Hey, look, it's Drew Barrymore lighting Two-Face's cigarette and some other chick in a bustier. Bustier-chick assures Two-Face that he'll kill Batman soon. Lights the ugly side's cigarette with a blowtorch.
shoorihoshi: He is so getting lung cancer.
thainoodles: Oh, I get it now, They're going for the angel/devil thing.
Drew Barrymore, lemon soufflé crap. Bustier chick offers alternative food. Half of the room is white, pristine and the other is red, spikey, and ugly.
thainoodles: I think this is the most un-subtle lair known to humanity.
shoorihoshi: He's such a tool.
thainoodles: Did anyone notice that the two-face thing behind him is Jesus?
Riddler enters in background, looking very green and very gay. Riddler slams down his pimp cane. Two-Face demands to know who Riddler is. One word: tights. thainoodles loves the way the Riddler handles his stick while copping such a bullshit pose. Gay Moment #39. Close-up, but before we get to close, Two-Face slams Riddler up against the wall. Gay Moment #40.
shoorihoshi: Dude. Their faces are 2 inches apart. That could be hot if it weren't so disgusting.
Riddler asks what would keep Two-Face from slaying him. shoorihoshi refrains from answering with a Buffy refrence. Gayness with a gun ensues while demon Bustier-Chick and Drew Barrymore look on. Blah-di-dah, flattery, Two-Face, Gay. Gay Moment #41.
shoorihoshi: Are we re-enacting 'Deep Throat' here?
We've reached Gay Moment #42, the ultimate answer. We have no idea what the question is, but we're pretty sure it's Gay. Two-Face and Riddler decide to form big, Gay union of Gay-ness to kill big, Gay Bat. This gives us Gay Moment #43 @ at minute 53:38. Both look incredibly orgasmic as they envision Bats' death. Gay Moment #44. Also, Big Gay Necrophile Moment. Spew. Riddler talks about his post homicidal depression, and for a second [Bad username: shoorihoshi] literally thinks that he said "homosexual". Riddler makes fucking monkey noises. WTF?! Riddler talks about exposing Bats' frailties. Two-Face grunts orgasmicallly. Girls look on. Riddler refers to the twinkle in Two-Face's left eye.
thainoodles: Wow, 11 Gay Moments in a minute. Holy God in Heaven.
shoorihoshi: HOLY TOLEDO, BATMAN!
Riddler whispers in orgasmic voice that "I can help you get Batman". In 1 second, 2 Gay Moments. #47 and 48. There's another Gay Moment here, and another, and another. Trust us. The Riddler opens his mouth to receive a large, hard shaft.
thainoodles: Are we still talking about the gun?
Riddler looks particularly satisfied. Riddler makes suggestive boom-stick maneuvers while making comments. Makes himself at home. Two-Face babes find Riddler to be hot because he complements the décor.
shoorihoshi: The way to a woman's heart is through her furniture.
Riddler. Skips. Gay Moment #49. Gay Riddler punches Two-Face's shoulder. Two-Face establishes who wears the pants and who wears the tights. Riddler tells two-Face he has an impulse control problem. Bruce-gasm. Riddler holds up new Gay blender object. Loony Tunes plays on fake TV monitor.
bald_stoic, thainoodles, and even shoorihoshi stand dumbfounded by the uber-gayosity.
2 more Gay Moments zing by. Riddler offers to help Two-Face solve the mother of all riddles- who is Batman? Gay Moment as Two-Face and Riddler make a deal. We believe that this is Gay Moment #58, but we're not entirely sure, as thainoodles appears to have lost count. Bug, Gay blender on TV.
Cut to ugly people being antagonized in a diamond store.
Stop buying diamonds. And pearls. Does a fucking slum city in New Jersey REALLY strike you as the best place to wear expensive items of vanity? IT'S A CITY THAT NEEDS IT'S BATMAN FOR FUCKS SAKE.
Two-Face grabs Gay, glittery diamonds, hahahahahas. No comment. See the movie. More big, Gay diamonds.
Cut to Chris O'Donnell beating up his laundry while Alfred irons. Dick does shirt-fu, montage, 80s style.
shoorihoshi: That's gonna be helpful when Bruce starts training with you and wants to slap you on the ass with a towel.
shoorihoshi: Dude, it is SO fucking in the cartoon. Trust me.
Dick reveals his manwhore-ish-ness to Alfred by winking at him.
Cut to evil wrestling mask minions robbing casino to Gay circus music. Bare-chested minions? WTF? Did they steal the extras from Khan's ship? A dumb-ass security guard stands there while Two-Face punches him…excuse us, "asserts himself". Because stunt budget was already used up, another dumb-ass security guard, who appears to be the same person as the first also gets punched out.
Two-Face wears a dangling earring, Riddler wears a tiara, somewhere, Billy Idol is fucking proud.
Cut to Val Kilmer in Gay glasses. Alfred walks in. Val tries his damnedest to look a little straight. He fails miserably. GNN goes on about how there is no sign of Batman. GNN reporter reiterates Riddler's fucking name. We get it. Batman receives yet another fucking card from Riddler. shoorihoshi, thainoodles, and bald_stoic fail to care.
shoorihoshi: Fuck Robin already.
Turtleneck of Gay-ness makes a reappearance in the Batcave war room type thing. Bruce messes with his glasses.
Cut to Chris O'Donnell banging on a door Gayly in a Gay vest with a Gay earring. Gay, Gay, Gay. Here it should be noted that the gargoyle next to the door looks like it's fucking the wall. Possibly the source of Dick's newly acquired heaps of Gay-ness. The longer Dick stays in the Wayne manor (which appears to have been shot in a school of the Sacred Heart) the Gayer he seems to get. Dick asks what's behind the locked door. Well, duh, the Batcave, genius. Alfred quips that the room contains Bruce's dead wives which, in the comics, isn't actually far from the truth. Dick glances at the door, then struts off.
Cut to a giant green ball of Gay otherwise known as Nygmatech. Jim Carrey actually looks kinda straight as, dressed like Bruce, he holds a press conference about the stupid Gay blender.
shoorihoshi: Dude, no villain other than Lex Luthor should ever hold a press conference.
There's a blue-haired woman in the crowd. Dude, WTF? Nygma holds up a refined Gay blender to show the press. We find out that the Box has become rage of Gotham- everyone wants a goddamned box. Nygma and Two-Face shoot up with IQ. Gay Moment #71.No one seems to have noticed that a giant Gay, green blender has appeared over Gotham. Our verdict is that the Gay blender is fucking stupid.
shoorihoshi: The writers have actually given up. And so have I.
Music surges while IQ waves go through Nygma's head. He is dressed in a pimp suit.
Cut to Alfred yelling for 'Master Dick'. Read that sentence again. It'll still be there. Dick is upstairs, checking out "Al's" ass. Once "Al" leaves, Dick shouts "Now!" and does unnecessary acrobatics which get him through the silver cupboard and into the Batcave. Bruce is apparently not as paranoid as he should be as we hear the amazingly ineffectual intruder alert. Because Bruce likes to show off the, the fucking Bat-car comes out of the floor to get a piece of the action, because if I spent billions of dollars on a fucking car with my logos the tires, I'd want to show it off to every intruder too. Music plays as Dick looks confused at all the torture devices Bruce keeps downstairs. Dick, all sweaty, then spots Alfred, smirks and gives him a suggestive wave. Gay Moment #72.
Here, bald_stoic would like to point out that thainoodles, while still keeping count of the Gay Moments, neglected to tell bald_stoic, who was laboriously writing this out by hand (and then had to laboriously type it out), when exactly they occurred. However, we are all sure you are smart people (we have trained you well!) and will be able to figure out when there is a Gay Moment to be had. Therefore, the recording of Gay Moments will stop here, but we will give you the grand total at the end of the recap. Thank you. This has been a mwom public service announcement. And now, back to the recap.
Cut to Bruce opening a gift- a Malaysian dream warden. He picks up the doll and appraises its crappiness. Chase then enters in a black dress and makes a bad flirty comment. Bruce brings up his parents' death as a way of lightening the mood. Miss Meridian takes this in by looking psycho. Bruce wears studly coat as he paces and explains how much he remembers.
shoorihoshi: Totally the writers' attempt to make Bruce seem heterosexual. It totally fails.
Chase follows Bruce to balcony. Bollywood hair-blowing sequence commences. We here wish to remind Bruce that it's illegal to date your therapist. Chase states the obvious by saying that Bruce's forgotten pain is trying to surface.
shoorihoshi: Forgotten pain?! WTF?! It's Batman! THE WHOLE REASON HE'S BATMAN IS BECAUSE HE CAN'T FORGET A SINGLE FUCKING SECOND OF IT!
Moment is interrupted by tea squealing in the background- someone bald_stoic knows must have written this scene. Guest star Jesus H. Christ appears. Ignoring all notions of privacy, Bruce approaches Chase's desk and observes her Batman obsession. It should be noted that on the cover of TIMES, the words 'Exclusive: Out" appear. Over a picture of Batman, of course. Chase returns and wonders aloud if there's a chance that Bruce hasn't faced all the aspects of his parents' death yet. Bruce then suggests that he should leave Chase alone with Batman. Chase admits to her creepy Bat obsession. Lady, spend less time on you hair and more towards earning that supposed medical degree. For once, Chase actually wonders an interesting question.
Bruce works himself up to pre-kiss mode. Chase asks if Bruce is jealous. He's not. He's gay. Bruce says that he can't be jealous of Batman. Chase implies that she wants to be close, but he won't let her. Memo to writers: Stop using this line. Chase asks what Bruce is protecting her from. The Gay-ness perhaps?
Writers try desperately to be deep and fail miserably as Bruce waxes poetic on having two personas. Chase then randomly brings up the frightening triumvirate of rage, violence, and passion. shoorihoshi would like to point out that all of these are parts of the Batman/Robin relationship, even from a non-slashy point of view.
Chase kisses Bruce. Because, being gay, Bruce doesn't really want to kiss her and because the editors are apparently smarter than the writers, shots of Bruce face during the kiss are not shown. Chase and Bruce are interrupted by Alfred, who calls Bruce on his video-watch. It should be bad-ass, but it's really kind of gay. Alfred informs Bruce that he has "distressing news about Master Dick". There are. No words.
shoorihoshi: Especially if you stick an "apsotrophe s" in the wrong place.
It turns out that Master Dick, according to Alfred, has gone traveling. Chase, looking stoned, is apparently oblivious to this odd conversation. The odd conversation continues, and Bruce becomes incredibly dense when he asks which car Dick took. Alfred, no doubt stunned by the density, makes a hilarious face. We cackle.
Cut to obnoxious rock music as a blonde woman is assaulted by a bunch of fucking Day-Glo idiots. Dick asks if women want to go for a ride in his "love machine". Several of these women are probably transvestites, and, let's face it, Dick knows. Stupid blonde woman screams and tries to run away. Stupid Dick revs car. Why the gang is so interested in this one girl, we do not know. She's really not that hot. Dick leaves Bat-car unlocked and unattended on the streets of Gotham and chases after the Day-Glo villains.
shoorihoshi: Man, that kid SO needs his Bat-training. Too bad good ol' Georgey is gonna fuck it up.
Some creep in a Day-Glo mask (of course) asks who the hell Dick is. Dick, because he is a stupid dick, replies that he's Batman and laments forgetting his suit. He then proceeds to fight the Day-Glo people with stupid acrobatic stunts obviously designed to make us think that Dick is the man. None of the evil Day-Glo men land so much as a punch on him. Afterwards, the girl, who foreshadowingly looks like Alicia Silverstone, asks if Batman ever kisses the girl. Dick does and fluttery Broadway music commences.
Day-Glo leader whistles for back-up. Realizing that he's about to get gang-banged, Dick runs. We would like to note that, if you pause the film here, you will notice that Batman is actually standing there watching Dick getting shaken up. Maybe it gets him off.
Since the goons are more perceptive than Dick, they notice Batman and run away. It's also worth noting that Batman's position as he jumps is actually a ballet move. Despite lack of a line, Batman floats down, cape a-swirlin'. Because Dick is an idiot, he tries to beat the crap out of Batman after Batman has landed gracefully on the pavement. Dick is plainly upset over the death of his parents and has decided to take it out on Batman. Batman tells him that Bruce Wayne would have given his life for Dick's family if he could have. Dick then fake-cries like the angsty pretty boy he is.
Cut to Alfred and Bats entering the Batcave. There is a blue clock above the door for no apparent reason. Dick waxes angsty about how Two-Face stole his parents, his life, etc. OMG! Shut the fuck up, Dick. You're living with a depressed billionaire who can teach you how to kick ass. Dick then explains to Batman that he imagined that he was fighting Two-face the entire time and that, therefore, the pain went away momentarily. We say: Bullshit.
*shoorihoshi clutches head*
shoorihoshi: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why movie-Robin sucks: Because he's a shallow, simplistic idiot who relies on cliches for emotional development.
thainoodles: He still has a hot ass.
Dick demands that Batman help him find Two-Face and when they do, that he, Dick, will be the one to kill Two-Face. The sad thing is that Chris O'Donnell was completely serious here, and so were the writers. Bruce runs a Gay hand through his Gay hair, and wonders why Dick will take a life. He then stares deeply into Dick's eyes. In the background, Alfred watches the Gay-ness, while Bruce explains that killing Two-Face will only make the pain grow. And then, miracle of miracles, the writers finally get it, telling us that if Dick kills Two-Face, revenge will eventually become his entire life.
shoorihoshi: Wow! Subtle! How shall I ever navigate my way through all the metaphors and analogies?
And then, we take the plunge into shit:
Dick: You wouldn't understand, your parents weren't killed by a maniac.
Bruce: Yes, they were.
Bruce then declares them to "the same" and Chris O'Donnell's eyes begin to shine with Gay-ness. Dick announces that he wants to be Bruce's "partner" and declares himself a part of this whether Bruce likes it or not. Trust us, Dick, with that excellent shot of your ass, Bruce likes it. Alfred looks on creepily.
At the Nygmatech Gala, The Gay Band of Neon plays Star Wars Cantina Band-like music. In the middle of the room is a big, Gay blender. Nearby, Drew Barrymore, in underwear, clings to Nygma. Reporter waxes orgasmic about Nygma's new Eligible Bachelor status. However, Bruce enters and ruins Nygma's moment. Bruce-gasms all round. Nygma, in front of the press, asks Bruce how it feels to be out-coiffed. Oh bitch, please. Worst pick-up line ever uttered by Edward after being introduced to Chase.
Nygma: And what a grand pursuit you must be.
Ding ding ding! New Champion Slut! shoorihoshi wonders aloud what The Box would do for the porn industry. thainoodles is in shock. bald_stoic smiles. Real fat man goes into the new Box-thing as the Gay blender spins merrily. The stupid harpy reporter is back. Bruce then whips the pants off of Edward like a 12-year-old girl. The hilarious thing about this scene is that Val is trying to sound like he's Bruce Wayne which doesn't work because he's freaking GAY. Nygma calls Bruce out on a "my dick is bigger than your dick" contest.
Although Edward asks Chase to dance (die, bitch, die), he is looking at Bruce. Nygma dances with Chase (badly) while Bruce looks on. The Gay-ness is truly overwhelming. Drew Barrymore makes her move as Bruce wonders aloud how the green glowy thing is turned off. Bruce, beacause he's Bruce, manages to find the only dark room in the place.
bald_stoic: Ah, darkness.
Chase makes an ass of herself by actually dancing with Nygma. In other news, Drew Barrymore turns the back on the mini gay blender. This scene is not just Gya, it's mini-Gay. As a result, a voice starts asking about Bruce's dreams, fantasies, secrets, etc.
Just then, Two-Face and the damn bustier bitch enter and blast the Gay blender. Nygma whines and Bruce snaps out of it and the unevenness of Val Kilmer's eyes is revealed in all its glory. Bruce, having escaping from the mini-Gay glowy thingy, sees Two-Face and leaves.
Two-Face makes bull-crap demands.
Bruce, already armed with bouncy hair, goes to his car. Meanwhile, Dick is grooving with the gay musicians. Two-Face gives Riddler hell about Bats not being dead. His evil half looks like a Jackson Pollock painting on acid. Batman enters, and because he's Batman, crash goes the ceiling. Batman then dodges bullets, does other reasonably awesome things. Nygma quips that Two-Face's entrance was good…but that Bats' was better. Lame fake punching, etc. Nygma comments on Batman's flair. Disco Bat fighting!
Master Dick charges out of the now defunct party and accosts Alfred, who give's Dick's costume back to him. Fake fighting continues. Being the resident hot girl, Chase is grabbed by wrestling masked man. Don't worry, she won't get kidnapped…yet.
Chase decides to kiss Batman. That lipstick better be Outlast. She wants Batman to come to her place at midnight. She has yet another Bat-gasm. Bats' Cape of Doom knocks over minions, and Bats' gets away. Chase looks turned on and stoned.
Two-Face fires off random shots and runs away. Batman follows, looking intense with his Bat-nipples. Two-Face goes through a perfectly square trap door, blowing a kiss while he does so. We are not making this up. Batman follows him with another Ballet pose.
Batman falls into a room where fuschia gas swirls around him. In case this is not enough, we are allowed to see labels that say: 'Danger Gas'.
Two-Face, because he's a dumb-ass, sets the place on fire, as if it weren't already flaming…ly gay. Batman, apparently having learned his lesson from 'Batman Begins', swirls his cape, which is now fire-proof. Flame on, special effects man! Two-Face dances like a 4-year-old with his minions, then stops laughing as Batman (because he's Batman) emerges from the flames unscathed. Hands on utility belt, Val stands Gayly, in front of the flames. Asking why Batman can't just die, Two-Face fires at the scaffolding. He then takes the time to stop and laugh as random gravel spills down onto our apparently erstwhile Batman.
However, because the editor can't stand to leave us in suspense for more than 1/2 a second, Dick's hand shoots in to the gravel to pull out Batman. Ah, clasping hands and romantic music. *sings* Can you feel the love tonight? (That clip was brought to you courtesy of mwom and Elton John.) Batman emerges to a sweaty, very Gay Robin, who is grinning like and idiot. Hanging from a line, Robin pulls Bats from the rubble, which is both impossible and very, very Gay.
Cut to shirtless Bruce reprimanding Dick.
shoorihoshi: Oh, Bruce. Stop teasing him. TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!
Dick complains that he needs a name.
shoorihoshi: I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call Bruce, you can call him Al.
shoorihoshi: *goes apeshit at Nightwing reference*
Bruce looks as annoyed as shoorihoshi. Dick tells Batman: "Screw you, I just saved your life". Chris O'Donnell plays Dick like the frat boy Chris O'Donnell is. Dick insists that he's Bruce's new partner. Bruce, who looks extremely funny if you pause it at the right moment, says no. Dick says that whenever Batman goes out at night, hell be watching. Wherever Batman goes, Dick will be right beside him, or behind him, as the case may be, or even on his knees. You never know.
And now, wearing several homemade Alfred bandages, Bruce stands up and says No Fucking Way.
shoorihoshi: Dude, between the Bat-crotch and the sweaty shirtless-ness., Bruce looks like a Ken doll.
Dick inhales suggestively, and smirks. General Gay-ness. Yeah. Dick struts off, leaving Bruce to close his eyes and think of hot boy ass he's definitely not suppose to grab once it's been crammed into tights. Bruce emotionlessly laments that Alfred is encouraging Dick. Alfred says that Dick needs guidance and therefore should be Bruce's sidekick. This logic is just plain shitty. So says bald_stoic and bald_stoic should know. Alfred then makes Bruce's point for him by whining about consequences. Shut up, Alfred.
Bruce, who seems to discuss every detail of his love life with Alfred, says that Chase calls being Batman a curse. No duh, fucknut. Alfred, being a dumb-ass, tells Bruce to go to Chase and tell her how he feels. Bad idea, Alfred. Catwoman dilemma resurfaces. She wants Batman, not Bruce Wayne. Wah, wah, wah…oh wait, he's gay. Bruce has syphilis pox looking thing by his armpit. Put it on before you get it on, Bruce.
Chase is a skank. That is all.
Chase, clutching sheets to her probably naked body gets out of bed. Batman arrives. Chase thinks- Oh good, now I get to fuck him. Wrong.
Wrapped in bed sheet, Chase approaches the balcony, Batman waits. There is a kiss.
Batman appears to be trying to enjoy it. It's ok. Close your eyes and pretend it's Dick. Batman backs away, looking stoned. Chase can't believe this.
shoorihoshi: You and me both, honey.
Chase then disgusts everyone by touching the Bat lips. As Chase thinks, Batman grinds his teeth. Gayly. Chase is a skanky bitch ho.
Bats, being the master that is of such things, manages to convince Chase that not sleeping with him is her choice. Batman looks incredibly relieved, cuts his losses, smirks and leaves.
Cut to Edward Nygma who’s graduated to a full spandex bodysuit. He also has a large throne-like chair with a naked man on either side. They’re statues, by the way. Two-Face gratuitously gropes (ooh! Alliteration!) Edward’s shoulders. Edward has “taught his dog another trick. Edward shoves a glowstick into one of the statues’ ears.
Nygmatech file shows a video of a bat. It is Bruce Wayne’s file. What kind of man has bats on the brain?
Cut to the Batcave where Bruce is deciding to quit his Batman gig for no fucking reason. Bruce reasons that since he’s spent his life protecting people he’s never met, he deserves a break. Batman and Robin. Chest-heaving. Dick demands to know what he’s going to be doing for the rest of his life if he’s not fucking Bruce.
shoorihoshi: Don’t worry, Dick. You will.
Dick says that he wants to go his own way and go to Two-Face. Bruce turns off every device in the Batcave with a single remote. We stare down at Dick’s half-lit face. Actually, it’s kind of hot. Bruce says to Dick that he doesn’t want Dick to be alone like him. Bruce suggests that they be friends.
bald_stoic: With benefits?
Dick says he doesn’t want a friend, he wants a partner. And we didn’t make that up. Dick then says that Two-Face has to pay. He says please. More chest-heaving. Val totally wants Chris O’Donnell right here, right now. In the Batcave, which is probably made of plastic and has a camera crew. All the better for Val to resuscitate his suffering career. Bruce says that Chase is coming over to dinner and that he’s going to “tell her”. Everything. He then puts his hand on Dick’s shoulder and looks sad. Dick looks incredibly forlorn as his boyfriend leaves him.
Gotham taxi pulls up, Chase gets out in strangely prudish clothing.
Dick gets stuff from the Batcave and his bike, then leaves.
Cut to Bruce and Chase. *yawn* They both have something to tell. Is this “Maury”? Suddenly, it’s Halloween. Chase waxes poetic about how she’s always been attracted to the wrong kind of man. Roses trigger a flashback for Bruce. WTF?
Outside, Alfred gives random kids candy. Audience wonders where the fuck this is going. Two-Face and the Riddler prance up to the gates of Wayne Manor. They squee as they watch the children leave, and hug each other. It’s very Gay.
Cut to Bruce’s flashback. A boy runs melodramatically through the woods with a red leather book. Val Kilmer stands up, in a desperate attempt to get away from Chase. Chase tells Bruce not to fight his memories. Bruce tells Chase that he’s never told anyone this particular something. Chase says it’s ok, she’s here.
bald_stoic: Honey, that’s the problem.
We find out that the red leather book was Bruce’s father’s journal. Melodrama continues when young!Bruce sees the book, and realizes that life will never be the same. Apparently watching his parents get shot was not jarring enough. In flashback, young!Bruce runs out of creepy memorial service type deal with the book and falls into a cave and sees the stupidest looking papier-mâché Bat known to humanity. Back in “reality”, Bruce angsts. Chase, with masculine hands, strokes Bruce’s face, and yeah, since he’s not done wallowing in his parents’ deaths, she decides to kiss him.
Val Kilmer: ewwww! Womanlips!
Suddenly, Chase touches her lips. shoorihoshi, thainoodles, and bald_stoic wonder if she’s realized that Bruce is Gay. But no, it seems she’s realized he’s Batman.
thainoodles: Isn’t that the same thing?
shoorihoshi: Point to Meggy. Also, isn't this the scene that Kirsten Dunst rips off at the end of Spider-man?
Chase smirks devilishly.
Cut to Alfred, whose eyesight is clearly slipping, as he lets in Two-Face and the Riddler. Two-Face and Riddler, resplendent in spandex bodysuit, knock out Alfred, and invade Wayne Manor. Destruction, a blatant allusion to Ace Ventura, and goons chasing Chase and Bruce over a sofa. Then, the Riddler trashes the Batcave and prances. Two-Face keeps flipping his fucking coin which keeps turning up heads. Riddler does the Time Warp, then tries desperately to be macho. Goodbye, Batcave. Joy-gasm, says Riddler. Gay-gasm, say the recappers.
Meanwhile, Bruce fights to a rip-off of the Star Wars theme. Two-Face finally gets his equivalent of tails and shoots Bruce. Two-Face and Riddler leave.
Alfred wakes Bruce up. Chase has been taken. Master Dick has run away. Good morning, Bruce!
Riddler is expecting Batman. Duh. Commissioner Gordon makes an appearance, but is fucking lame. We get to see Bruce’s rocking pajama bottoms as Bruce and Alfred solve Riddler’s latest. Having solved it, Bruce suits up in prototype. Gratuitous rubber butt scene. Robin shows up in shiny new Robin suit, complete with Robin nipples. Dick says he can’t promise not to kill Harvey. Ok, we get it, a man must make his own way. Then, we get the partner line. Bruce and Dick are now partners. Officially.
The shiny Gay boat and the shiny Gay plane go off to the Two-Face/Riddler lair. As Bat-plane passes, Batman gives thumbs-up to sucky Commissioner Gordon. Riddler and Two-Face proceed to play Gay battleship in an attempt to kill Batman and Robin. Gay Blender of Doom. Batman/Robin vehicles are destroyed and both our heroes end up in the water. Gay Robin rescue. Need we say more? Holy rusted metal Batman! I meant…holey, rusted metal, Batman. As in, you’re standing on it. More gratuitous rubber butts. Grappling hooks fail to work and Batman and Robin are separated. Robin fights Two-Face and defeats him. Robin has his pathetic line about Two-Face going to jail. Two-Face turns the tables. Robin is captured.
Batman escapes from the cogs and gears of Death. We see the Riddler. Gay pose, Gay suit. Liberace just puked on his wardrobe. Nygma molests his cane, belches, and sparkles.
Batman must choose between Chase, who “foolishly hopes to be the love of Bruce’s life” and Robin, “Batman’s junior partner”. Gay in-jokes follow. Batman uses a lame-ass riddle as a distraction, then breaks the power source or whatever the hell it is, and manages to save both Chase an Robin. Chase remains gagged. Thank god. Two-Face inexplicably becomes British, and then Batman basically kills him. The mutated Gay sparkly Riddler lies sprawled on the ground. Bruce/Batman magically comes to terms with his identities.
Cut to Arkham Asylum.
thainoodles: Why do they always make mental hospitals so freaky? If you weren’t insane when you went in, this place would do it to you.
We see that Edward has now completely gone off the deep end. Bruce angsts quietly outside of Arkham, goes off with Chase, looking depressed.
Final scene: Batman and Robin run Gayly together, to fight evil wherever it should appear.
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